FADE IN:
1 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- EVENING (ANIMATED
NIGHTMARE)
MERV SCHMIDT, mid 60's, a burly man's man, and his wife,
SHIRLEY, late 50's, grandmotherly, wave out the front door.
SHIRLEY
Call when you get to the base.
MERV
Not collect!
We hear the engine putter of a VW Bus drive off. Merv shouts
for joy. In a whirlwind, he slams a few doors shut. Then
secures a large variety of locks and bolts.
SHIRLEY
Mervin Lysander Schmidt! What's
gotten into you?
MERV
Remember this?
He spins around and whips open a dusty, old, tattered
lingerie, uncovering A GROUP OF MOTHS, who flee for their
lives.
SCARED MOTH
We've been discovered! It's every
moth for themselves!
SHIRLEY
Oh my! I haven't seen that
since...
MERV
Our honeymoon? It's even hotter
than I remembered.
He growls sexually. Grabs Shirley and pulls her close.
SHIRLEY
Why, Merv!? What took you so
long?
MERV
We had kids. Now git!
He gives her a peck on the lips. Then playfully slaps her
butt. Shirley giggles as she floats down the hall. Merv
scampers out the back door.
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2.
2 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM (ANIMATED)
RRRRRIP! Shirley squeezes into the old lingerie. Hops on
the bed. Looks at the pictures of the kids (Hunter, the
oldest son, Leah, the only daughter, and Shane, the youngest)
that surround the room at various stages of their lives.
All of which seem to be "watching" her.
3 INT. OLD MOTORHOME (ANIMATED)
Merv's sanctuary from the kids. Complete with rifle racks,
a sofa bed, a portable TV, and his prized hunting trophies:
BUCK - a deer; SKITSO - a raccoon; and HOPPY - a jack rabbit.
Merv opens a cabinet door. HASAKAMI, Merv's Japanese boss,
pops out and tries to hand him a pink slip. Merv slams the
door shut. Opens another. Snatches out a bottle of bubbly,
a couple glasses, and an ice bucket. He opens a small fridge,
and in a flurry digs out some whipped cream, maraschino
cherries, and chocolate syrup.
HOPPY
Whoa! The kids must be gone cause
it looks like Mervie's fixin' to
get some tonight.
SKITSO
Get some what, Hoppy? Huh? Get
some what?
HOPPY
Some tail, Skits.
BUCK
I miss my tail.
HOPPY
Not a real tail, Buck! Some tail.
Merv scurries out.
4 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM (ANIMATED)
Every picture is turned around. Shirley sprays the room and
herself with perfume. Then strikes a sexy pose on the bed.
MERV (O.S.)
Shirley! SHIRLEY!!!
Ticked, she climbs out of bed.
5 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM (ANIMATED)
Shirley enters in a huff. Notices Merv, stripped down to
his boxers... the fireplace... the glasses of bubbly.
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3.
SHIRLEY
Out here? What if?
MERV
They're all gone, baby! And I'm
firing on all cylinders.
He pops a couple of Viagra. His boxers move like an engine
reving up. They get frisky under the covers when the
TELEPHONE RINGS. Shirley motions towards it. Merv knocks
it off the hook, but it CONTINUES TO RING. The many locks,
unlock. The doors fling open. In comes HUNTER, LEAH and
her BLACK BOYFRIEND, followed by SHANE in Army fatigues.
HUNTER
Hey dad! You were right. Doodling
was a waste of time!
LEAH
I've discovered true love. So I
dropped out of school.
BLACK BOYFRIEND
What's the haps pops!?
SHANE
Man, can you believe they wanted
to take away my pot?
Merv is speechless. From the bathroom comes a voice...
LESTER (O.S.)
Shirley! Come wipe my ass!
YODA, Lester's teacup Chihuahua, runs in and humps Merv's
leg. He looks back at Shirley, who has turned into Hasakami.
HASAKAMI
Hey Schidt! Consider self raid
off.
He staples a pink slip to Merv's hand. Merv SCREAMS. His
uvula jiggles like Jell-o as he shoots out of a canon into a
huge cast iron fan, splatting onto the screen, WHEN SCHMIDT
HITS THE FAN, in blood and body parts.
6 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM -- MORNING (PRESENT)
SUPERIMPOSE: R-Day (Retirement Day)
The real MERV, who looks a lot like the cartoon, pops up in
a cold sweat. The TOILET FLUSHES. SHANE, his twenty-one
year old slacker of a son, emerges.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
MERV
What the hell are you doing in my
bathroom?
SHANE
Don't burst a vein, Pops. Ours
is clogged. You might want to
get on it before it festers.
MERV
And why couldn't you fix it?
SHANE
Yeh. I don't do that kinda pot.
He saunters out. Merv grumbles as he climbs out of bed,
makes his way to the bathroom, and goes in.
MERV
Lousy do-nothing, money-sucking...
What I wouldn't give to go back
in time and buy that condom.
Gees-oh-Pete! Who the hell died
in here?
7 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN
HUNTER, the oldest son in his late twenties, an animator,
puts the finishing touches on a drawing of the uvula. LEAH,
the only daughter in her mid twenties, wears a veil as she
feeds her Iranian Muslim boyfriend, AHMAD, while sitting on
his lap. SHIRLEY, a dead ringer from the cartoon, puts eggs,
hashbrowns, bacon, and sausage in a blender. She picks up
the phone and hears...
PHONE SEX OPERATOR (V.O.)
Ooooo! Faster! Harder! Oh, oh!
SHIRLEY
Dad, get off the phone and come
eat your breakfast.
She hits the liquefy button on the blender.
8 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LESTER'S BEDROOM
LESTER, Shirley's eighty year-old cuss of a father, works
his penis pump as fast as he can with one hand while holding
the phone with the other.
LESTER
Oh hell!
He hangs up the phone. The penis pump deflates.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
9 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER
Shirley picks up the phone and hits a speed dial button.
She gets a busy tone. Shane enters.
SHANE
Hey Mom, I need some funds. The
bus ran out of juice.
(sniffing the air)
Cool! Sticky buns.
He goes to open the oven when WHACK! Shirley slaps his hands.
SHIRLEY
Those are for your father. Sit
down and have some breakfast.
SHANE
Okay! Okay!
He sits down as Shirley puts a breakfast plate in front of
him. She hits the re-dial button on the phone.
SHIRLEY
(to phone)
Hi mother Schmidt! Thanks for
helping out last night at Merv's
surprise party.
Lester slowly walks in and sits at the table.
HUNTER
Good morning, Gramps!
LESTER
Would be if I could keep my damn
prick up!
SHIRLEY
(to phone)
I think so too. I've never seen
him so surprised!
While on the phone she serves Lester his "Cup-O-Breakfast,"
complete with silly straw. A HORN HONKS outside.
HUNTER
Whelp! That's my ride.
He folds up the portfolio and takes a sip of his cappuccino.
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6.
HUNTER (CONT'D)
Later Leah.
(to Leah's stomach)
Nephew Muhammad.
(to Ahmad)
Ahmad, welcome to the family.
LEAH
Knock 'em dead.
AHMAD
Yes. Be knocking them dead.
That is good thing?
HUNTER
See ya Shane. Gramps.
SHANE
Later bro.
LESTER
Pick me up one of them Frisco
whores. One with big tits!
HUNTER
Consider it done. Can't guarantee
it'll be a woman. See ya M!
He gives Shirley a kiss on the cheek.
SHIRLEY
Hold on Dot! Hunter's leaving.
Grandma Schmidt says bye.
HUNTER
(shouts to phone)
Bye Grams!
Hunter walks towards the front door. Shirley kisses him
goodbye.
SHIRLEY
Good luck sweetie! Call when you
get there.
MERV (O.S.)
Not collect! And don't think I
won't get even for your part in
that prank.
HUNTER
I love you too, Pops!
He exits.
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7.
10 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - BATHROOM
Merv plunges away on the toilet.
MERV
Miserable prankster kids.
Something white pops out flinging Merv to the back wall.
MERV (CONT'D)
For the love of...!
11 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER
Merv trudges in with a wet Adult Diaper and plunger.
MERV
Thanks a lot Lester. You and
your damn diapers. I want him
out today. You hear me Shirl?
He turns around to see Shirley on the phone.
MERV (CONT'D)
I swear that phone's sprouted
roots!
SHIRLEY
I'm just making sure your mother
got home okay.
MERV
Well if she answered the phone.
I'd say she made it.
Merv tosses the wet diaper in the trash. Shane gets up and
heads for the backdoor.
SHANE
Thanks mom. Night.
MERV
Good-night? Sure. Why not? You
sleep all day while regular people
work. That seems fair. Where'd
you go after the party?
TIMEWARP TO:
TIMEWARP NOTE - In a matter of seconds an ANIMATED "time
tunnel" moves us back in time. A cast iron fan, disguised
as a clock, spins its hands counter clock-wise. The days of
the week move towards the screen and around the fan/clock
until the day the Flashback takes place splats onto the screen
like the open title.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
At the end of the Timewarp scene(s), there will be a FLASH
FORWARD of light to the Present.
12 INT. SHANE'S VW BUS/EXT. STREET/THEATER -- NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
TIMEWARP DAY: Last Night
The bus is saturated in a smoky haze. Shane drives as his
two slacker friends, DYLAN & LANCE, smoke pot. Ahmad sits
in the back praying to Allah with his legs crossed.
SHANE, DYLAN & LANCE
Mime Hunt!
A MIME performs in front of a theater as people pass by.
Lance takes a paintball gun out from under the seat and aims
it out the window.
SHANE
Target locked?
LANCE
Target locked.
AHMAD
Oh the shapes! The colors! It's
Allah in the sky, my man!
DYLAN
It's the contact effect. He's in
hyperspeed, man!
SHANE
FIRE!!!
Lance pulls the trigger. WAP!
MIME
Ouch!
They laugh as Shane speeds off. The Mime falls dramatically
to the ground.
DYLAN
Man, a Mime is a fabulous thing
to waste!
13 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN -- MORNING (PRESENT)
Shane exits out the back door.
MERV
I'm talking to you! See that?
Always walking away.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
SHIRLEY
I wonder where he gets it from?
MERV
Ahmad? You went with him...
He sits down at the head of the table and notices Leah and
Ahmad connected at the lips under Leah's veil.
MERV (CONT'D)
Oh gees! Take it to your room.
SHIRLEY
Oh Merv! It's trash day! It
needs to be taken out to the curb.
MERV
What'd they do? Make a national
holiday out of the event? Trash
Day. You know... The weekly
holiday where we honor the
invention of trash.
He gets back up as Shirley goes back to her phone call.
SHIRLEY
(to phone)
Oh, he's in one of his moods,
again.
MERV
If it's a mood... You, your old
man, and these kids of yours put
me in it.
He grabs the trash bag and stomps out the back door.
SHIRLEY
(to phone)
I hope he's not like this after
he retires!
14 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - FRONT YARD -- MOMENTS LATER
Merv struggles with the big trash can. JONAS, the next door
neighbor, a black man in his late fifties, warms up his car.
JONAS
Hey Schmidt! Last I checked we
didn't live in no damn trailer
park.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
MERV
Your black ass'll be long dead
before that motorhome moves an
inch.
The trash can falls over and spills. Trash juice gets all
over him. He cusses up a storm.
JONAS
Stupid redneck.
15 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER
Smoke seeps out of the oven. Leah and Ahmad are still locked
at the lips. Shirley talks on the phone as she stuffs
sweepstakes entry forms into their appropriate envelopes.
Lester slurps his breakfast. Merv trounces in covered with
trash juice.
MERV
For the love of Pete, Shirl! I
know money might be hard to come
by thanks to last night. But
burning the whole damn house down?
Shirley notices the smoke.
SHIRLEY
The buns! Gotta go! I'll have
Merv bring your dehydrator over.
She hangs up the phone. Merv blocks her way to the oven.
MERV
I don't know how the house could
of burnt down.
SHIRLEY
Out of my way!
She pushes Merv to the side, turns off the oven, and takes
out the burnt sticky bun remnants.
MERV
It couldn't have been because my
wife was yapping on the phone and
entering worthless sweepstakes,
and my daughter was making out
with her boyfriend.
AHMAD & LEAH
Fiancé!
MERV
Whatever.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
SHIRLEY
I enter those sweepstakes for the
fun of it. And the last time I
checked, I live here too. And
I'll talk on the phone when I
want to who ever I want.
She puts a spatula with a burnt sticky bun in Merv's face.
SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
Do you want your retirement day
sticky bun or not?
MERV
I'll pass. Where's your keys?
LEAH
You can't take the wagon, daddy.
Ahmad and I are taking it to my
first doctor's appointment.
AHMAD
Correction! Our first doctor's
appointment.
They kiss again.
SHIRLEY
Then I have to take it to find a
retirement home for my dad.
LESTER
Retirement home my ass. They're
more like death camps that reek
like old people.
SHIRLEY
Then to Animal Control...
MERV
I get the picture! I'll take
Shane's.
SHIRLEY
He ran out of gas last night.
MERV
That's just great! They wreck
'Ol Gertie and I get the shaft.
SHIRLEY
Why don't you call Blitz or Trigg?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12.
MERV
Can't. They're on a separate
mission.
16 INT. THURSTIES
Merv's friends, TRIGG, late 40's, a laid-off autoworker, and
BLITZ, a freelance tow truck driver, sing it up in a sleepy,
drunken stupor with HASAKAMI, Merv's Japanese boss.
17 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN
MERV
It's my last day of work! Our
financial future depends on me
getting through this day! Now...
how the hell am I supposed to get
there?
18 INT. JONAS' CAR/EXT. STREET -- MOMENTS LATER
A grumpy Merv sits next to Jonas, who sways and sings along
to James Brown's "Say It Loud". Merv changes the station.
JONAS
Hey, hey, hey! Don't be changing
a bruthas tunes while he's in a
groove!
He turns it back using a preset button.
JONAS (CONT'D)
This station ain't movin' for
nobody. Especially no father of
a jungle fevered son.
MERV
Jungle fever! My son was entrapped
by your little voodoo slut.
JONAS
Voodoo slut!?
MERV
You know. Casting that BLACK
MAGIC love spell.
19 INT. VOODOO HUT -- MIDNIGHT (ANIMATED)
Complete with potions, voodoo dolls, charms, and shrunken
heads. CHARLOTTE, Jonas' twenty-something daughter in Voodoo
Garb, sprinkles a concoction on Hunter, who struggles to get
up, but can't as he's secured to a bamboo bed by ropes. The
potion kicks in. Hunter relaxes and gives in to Charlotte.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13.
20 INT. JONAS' CAR/EXT. STREET -- MORNING
JONAS
My daughter doesn't need to put
no spell on no Cracker. It was
the persuasive talk of the White
Devil that lured the innocent
African Princess by lies.
MERV
What does it matter? They're on
their way back to Fag Francisco.
21 INT. AIRPLANE
Hunter puts the bags in the overhead compartment. Sits down
next to Charlotte.
HUNTER
Punch me.
CHARLOTTE
What?
HUNTER
You heard me. Right in the puss.
CHARLOTTE
Honey, you do not want me to punch
you.
HUNTER
Come on! I just want to make
sure I'm not dreamin'.
CHARLOTTE
And mess up that cute smile!
Trust me you're not dreaming.
That cartoon of yours is gonna
make us both very happy for a
very long time.
They look longingly into each others eyes.
HUNTER
It was a pretty crazy week. Having
to face our dads and all. I'm
just glad we didn't let them get
between us.
TIMEWARP TO:
22 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- EVENING (FLASHBACK)
TIMEWARP DAY: Last Monday
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14.
Merv lounges in his chair watching TV. Shirley sits on the
couch doing needlepoint. Hunter enters, scoops up the keys
to 'Ol Gertie, and heads towards the door.
MERV
Hey, hey, hey! Hold on there
flash. Where the hell do you
think you're going?
HUNTER
Mom said I could use 'Ol Gertie
for my date tonight.
MERV
You've got a date!? It's a girl,
right?
HUNTER
Yes. I think you'd like her.
She's the girl next door type.
MERV
Then by all means... Go!
HUNTER
Thanks pop! Don't wait up.
He takes off out the front door.
SHIRLEY
Have fun with Charlotte.
MERV
Charlotte? Jonas' Charlotte?
She is the girl next door! Put
some papers down on the seat first.
23 INT. JONAS' HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Hunter is at the door with Jonas. He looks around the place.
JONAS
Uh-uh! I forbid you to go out
with this white spawn of Satan.
Charlotte comes up to the door.
CHARLOTTE
He's perfectly harmless, dad.
JONAS
I don't know. The crumbs don't
fall far from the Saltine!
WINNIE, Jonas' fifty year-old wife, enters.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15.
WINNIE
Jonas! Leave the boy alone.
JONAS
How many times do I have to tell
you? The blacker the berry the
sweeter the juice.
WINNIE
I said leave them alone! Have
fun you two.
Charlotte takes off with Hunter.
HUNTER
(to Charlotte)
I didn't see any spears.
JONAS
What did he say? Just remember I
have some pretty good friends.
Misters Smith & Wesson. And Wesson
ain't the cooking oil!
24 EXT. MOVIE THEATER -- LATER
Hunter and Charlotte leave a movie theater holding each other
and laughing uncontrollably. The marquee reads "TITANIC".
25 INT. AIRPLANE -- MORNING (PRESENT)
Hunter and Charlotte move in for a kiss.
POMPOUS ASS (O.S.)
Ahem!
There standing above them is a POMPOUS ASS of a passenger.
They back off the kiss.
POMPOUS ASS
I believe you're in my seat.
CHARLOTTE
Would you mind switching seats?
We'd really like to sit next to
each other.
POMPOUS ASS
Is it an aisle seat?
HUNTER
Even better. It's a window...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16.
POMPOUS ASS
Don't want it. Window seats make
me nauseous.
Hunter stares at the Pompous Ass as he moves to his original
seat. DISGRUNTLED PASSENGERS move for him.
26 INT. JONAS' CAR/EXT. FREEWAY -- LATE MORNING
Jonas turns onto the freeway. It's a virtual parking lot.
MERV
Are you trying to make me late?
If you would have let me check
the traffic. We could have avoided
this parking lot.
JONAS
Hey! Who's behind the wheel?
Sure don't look like no Honky.
MERV
Just get off and take the side
streets.
JONAS
Are you crazy? A black man could
get killed taking a white man's
side streets. Why are you in
such a hurry to get to work?
MERV
It's my last day! And my boss is
lay-off happy son of won ton!
Last year he laid off a friend of
mine in grand fashion.
TIMEWARP TO:
27 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - MERV'S CUBICLE -- LATE AFTERNOON
(FLASHBACK)
TIMEWARP DAY: 1 YEAR AGO
Merv sits at his desk with the phone to his ear.
MERV
Don't play that no speaka no inglès
bullshit with me. What the hell
do you think "no" is? I want
that payment in my office by the
first or it's going on your TRW.
Stupid wetback.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17.
He slams the phone down. Glances up at the clock. 5:26pm.
He grabs some papers as he gets up.
28 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - HALLWAY
Merv passes by CO-WORKERS winking and nodding. He stops at
RALPH's cubicle, a nervous retiring friend in his sixties.
MERV
Don't worry Ralph. He ain't gonna
get you. I promise.
He walks up to Hasakami's office as Hasakami exits with a
pink slip in hand.
MERV (CONT'D)
Hey, Kami.
HASAKAMI
Not now Schidt. Got matter.
MERV
Why should I waste my time
collecting a five dollar account?
HASAKAMI
Every penny count. You let them
get away with five dollar. They
try fifty, then five hundred,
then five thousand. We nip in
bud.
He looks at the clock. 5:29 and thirty seconds.
HASAKAMI (CONT'D)
No BS now. Got matter.
He makes his way around Merv, who follows him.
MERV
But what about these other
accounts?
HASAKAMI
Collect, collect, collect!
He walks towards Ralph's cubicle. Merv still on his tail,
waves to Co-Workers for help. The clock counts down... twenty
seconds until 5:30. KIP, the Mail Clerk blocks Hasakami
with a rolling mail cart.
29 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - HALLWAY (ANIMATED)
Hasakami does a karate chop breaking Kip's mail cart in half.
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18.
30 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - HALLWAY
Ten seconds... MINA, a Co-Worker on a Rascal Cart blocks his
way pretending she is stuck.
31 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - HALLWAY (ANIMATED)
Hasakami does an aerial somersault over Mina.
32 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - HALLWAY/RALPH'S CUBICLE
Mina is successful of blocking Merv.
CO-WORKERS surround Ralph congratulating him. One of them,
CLARK, holds a cake in his hands.
Hasakami does a quick "Kung Fu" movie gasp. He looks at the
clock. Five... Four...
33 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - HALLWAY/RALPH'S CUBICLE (ANIMATED)
Determined, Hasakami vaults himself over the crowd gathered
around Ralph.
34 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - HALLWAY/RALPH'S CUBICLE
Just before Merv attempts to nudge him off track. He bumps
into Clark. The cake flies through the air. Hasakami lands
on his feet in front of Ralph. The cake lands on Merv.
Hasakami hands Ralph the pink slip. The clock ticks down to
one... He grins evilly, which elevates into an extremely
maniacal laugh that ECHOES into...
35 INT. JONAS' CAR/EXT. FREEWAY -- LATE MORNING (PRESENT)
JONAS
Man! That's one bad ass boss.
Gringos are stupid! If you knew
how he was... why do you stay
there?
MERV
And throw away the chance of even
getting a pension!? Hell no!
That sneaky Little Yellow Bastard
has met his match. I'm gonna
beat that rice-shitter at his own
game. I will get my pension and
my nightmare will not come true.
JONAS
Nightmare? What nightmare? Stupid
Lily. Talkin' about nightmares
and he ain't even asleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
19.
MERV
Last Saturday, I had just come
home from Thursties...
TIMEWARP TO:
36 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DRIVEWAY -- LATE NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
TIMEWARP DAY: Last Saturday
GRUNGE MUSIC blasts from the garage. Merv drives up in 'Ol
Gertie, his badly dented Ford pick-up truck that sticks into
gear, quickly backs up, lurches forward, then rumbles and
pings to a stop. He lumbers out.
37 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN
The house vibrates from the music. Shirley talks loudly on
the phone as she washes dishes.
SHIRLEY
He's been moodier than usual
lately. No joking. Nothing. I
hope the party will cheer him up.
MERV (O.S.)
Hey, Shirl! I'm home!
SHIRLEY
Gotta go, I'll call you later.
She hangs up the phone and meets Merv as he goes down the
38 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - HALL
MERV
I'm ready to shoot me the main
course of Sunday's Dinner.
SHIRLEY
It's past eleven!
39 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - BATHROOM
Lester pisses in the sink. Yoda falls into the toilet trying
to drink out of it.
MERV (O.S.)
No time better than the...
He passes by. Then backs up.
MERV
What the hell!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20.
SHIRLEY
It's only for a little while.
MERV
It's never only for a little while!
For the love of Pete! He's pissing
in the goddamn sink!
40 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - BATHROOM/HALL (ANIMATED)
Yoda gets up covered in blue from the Tidy-Bowl Cake. He
notices Merv's leg and hallucinating from the Tidy-Bowl Cake
envisions Merv's leg as a Beautiful FURRY BITCH.
FURRY BITCH
Come get me, Stud.
WHOOSH! Like greased lighting, Yoda attaches himself to
Merv's leg and humps away. Merv tries to shake him off.
41 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - BATHROOM/HALL
MERV
SON OF A! Call your damn mutt
off or I'll shoot him.
Lester breaks wind.
LESTER
That's just like your threats.
Full of hot air.
MERV
Damn it, Shirl! Him or me? Make
your decision.
SHIRLEY
I can't throw my dad out onto the
streets!
MERV
Fine. You know where I'll be.
Get off me damn it!
He storms out with Yoda still humping away.
SHIRLEY
Dad!
42 INT. JONAS' HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Music rips through the house. Shaking it with every note.
Jonas gets out of bed, puts on his robe and slippers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21.
JONAS
That hullabaloo has got to stop.
One of us has got to give, Winnie.
And it's not gonna be me.
WINNIE
They're just kids. Let them have
their fun.
JONAS
(with a redneck accent)
Honky Fun Time's over at ten!
43 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - BACKYARD -- MOMENTS LATER
The music continues as Merv heads straight for the old
motorhome. Yoda still humping away. Jonas comes out.
JONAS
Better tell that boy of yours
it's too late to be making all
that racket!
MERV
You tell him! No melon muncher's
telling me what to do!
44 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE/JONAS' HOUSE - BACKYARDS (ANIMATED)
Merv pries Yoda off and rushes past a pen that holds J.T., a
WILD TURKEY, and into the old motorhome slamming the door
shut. Yoda tries to get in by jumping on the door. But
then spots Jonas, who he envisions as a burglar dressed in
black and lets loose a relentless barking attack.
JONAS
This mutt's gettin' on my nerves,
Schmidt. If you don't put a stop
to it I'm calling Animal Control.
45 INTERCUT INT. OLD MOTORHOME -- CONTINUOUS (ANIMATED)
MERV
You're getting on my nerves. Who
am I supposed to call for that?
JONAS
You ain't heard the last of this
one, Cracker.
(to Yoda)
Shut the hell up, or I'll drop
kick you to Vietnam town.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
22.
46 INT. OLD MOTORHOME -- MOMENTS LATER (ANIMATED)
Merv grabs his shotgun and loads in a bunch of buckshot.
Buck, Hoppy, and Skitso look on.
SKITSO
Looks like we're about to get
some company.
HOPPY
Don't be stupid. We're talkin'
about Merv here.
BUCK
Shucks. I was looking forward to
some new faces.
47 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - BACKYARD -- MOMENTS LATER (ANIMATED)
In the cross-hairs of a rifle's sights, J.T. lounges in a
chair sipping lemonade.
48 INT. JONAS' HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM
BANG! Jonas, who's getting back in bed with Winnie, hits
the floor. Charlotte bursts in.
WINNIE & CHARLOTTE
What was that?
WINNIE
Charlotte? When did you get here?
CHARLOTTE
A few minutes ago.
MERV (O.S.)
Look at that gobbler flop!
JONAS
I knew it! It's that crazy Weber
bread eatin'...
Low to the ground, he scrambles to his night stand. Takes
out a pistol.
WINNIE
Don't do it Jonas. It's just
going to lead to trouble.
JONAS
If it's trouble. He's already
led me there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23.
CHARLOTTE
Be careful, Daddy.
JONAS
Baby. Careful's the only way I'm
planning to be.
49 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - BACKYARD (ANIMATED)
Merv, in hunting attire, carries on like a kid at Christmas.
J.T. flops around behind him.
J.T.
He shot me! That mutha stuffa
shot me! Oh the pain! It won't
be long now. Your little giblet's
comin' to see ya, mama!
50 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE/JONAS' HOUSE - BACKYARDS -- CONTINUOUS
Shirley and Hunter run out as Jonas bursts out of his house.
JONAS
Honky. What the hell's your
problem?
SHIRLEY
You okay, Merv?
MERV
I got it, Shirl! I shot myself a
turkey dinner.
JONAS
Dinner? We ain't in no damn
wilderness ya psycho hick.
MERV
My backyard is my wilderness!
Charlotte and Winnie come out of the house.
51 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE/JONAS' HOUSE - BACKYARDS (ANIMATED)
Merv and Jonas get into a huge name-slinging fight at the
fence. Hunter rushes up to J.T. and tries to help. He scoops
J.T. up in his arms.
HUNTER
Fear not. I'm a veghead.
J.T.
Gentle. Watch the feathers. I
said watch the feathers!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
24.
52 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE/JONAS' HOUSE - BACKYARDS
Hunter rushes by the squabbling Merv and Jonas with J.T.
Charlotte follows him.
MERV
Hey! Where the hell are you going
with that bird? Hunter!
Jonas chuckles. Merv raises his shotgun towards Hunter.
Shirley pushes the barrel up.
SHIRLEY
Don't you dare!
53 EXT. JONAS' HOUSE (ANIMATED)
BAM! Jonas ducks as a portion of his house is blown off.
JONAS
Alright! You're payin' for that
you white son-of-a-bitch.
54 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DRIVEWAY/EXT. JONAS' HOUSE - PORCH/INT.
'OL GERTIE
Hunter puts J.T. in 'Ol Gertie. Gets in. Flips down the
visor. The spare keys fall in his lap. He starts it up.
Charlotte appears at the passenger window.
HUNTER
Charlotte! Quick! Hop in! I'm
on a rescue mission.
Charlotte hops in as he yanks the truck in gear and screeches
out of the driveway as Merv rushes out followed by Shirley.
MERV
Get back here boy. Don't you
leave with my Sunday dinner!
Hunter yanks the truck into drive. Turns the headlights on,
and takes off as Jonas and Winnie come out in time to watch
'Ol Gertie drive down the street.
JONAS
Hey, Schmidt! I'll open my window
and let you smell MY turkey.
MERV
I didn't know KFC fried turkeys!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25.
JONAS
What did you say? Winnie hold me
back before I pop open a can of
whoop ass.
MERV
Stop being a damn porch monkey
and pop it open.
Merv and Jonas motion towards each other, but are stopped by
their wives.
WINNIE
There will be none of that! See
you tomorrow Shirl.
SHIRLEY
Night Winnie. I'll call you.
Winnie escorts Jonas into the house.
WINNIE
Charlotte? Charlotte! Jonas,
have you seen Charlotte?
MERV
Damn those kids of yours! Where'd
he come from anyways?
LESTER (O.S.)
Shirley! Come wipe my ass!
55 INT. JONAS' CAR/EXT. FREEWAY -- LATE MORNING (PRESENT)
Jonas laughs out loud.
JONAS
Now that was humor. It also
reminds me... You still owe me
for my roof.
MERV
Good luck collecting. I've got
friends in the business.
JONAS
I knew it! Everywhere you go.
Another good 'ol boys club.
MERV
The next day I knew it for a fact.
Reality was becoming my nightmare.
TIMEWARP TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
26.
56 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - HALLWAY/LESTER'S ROOM -- MORNING
(FLASHBACK)(ANIMATED)
TIMEWARP DAY: Last Sunday
The Master Bedroom door opens. Merv steps out of his room
and falls to the floor with a THUD!
MERV
What the...
He comes face to face with the bandaged J.T.
J.T.
You're in my sights now! How'd
you like the peckin' of a lifetime?
MERV
SHIRLEY!!!
Merv pops up and rushes towards the kitchen passing Lester's
room where Yoda spots J.T. and chases him into the Living
Room as Merv ducks into the
57 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN
Merv picks himself up to find Shirley on the phone as she
cooks breakfast. Hunter doodles at the table.
SHIRLEY
Hope everything works out in Vegas.
Ba-Bye.
She hangs up the phone.
MERV
Why is my original Sunday dinner
in the house?
SHIRLEY
The vet said we had to keep it
indoors until its wound healed.
She puts Merv's breakfast at his spot at the head of the
table by his special coffee mug. He picks it up.
MERV
How long is that gonna take?
HUNTER
A week or two. They weren't sure.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
27.
MERV
Well if it ain't Father Theresa.
Savior to all that is turkey. I
want that bird outta my sight.
He takes a sip of the coffee and spews it out.
MERV (CONT'D)
What the hell! You burnt the
coffee!
HUNTER
No she didn't. It's a Cappuccino.
SHIRLEY
Hunter says they're very popular
in San Francisco.
MERV
Well, if they're as popular as
rescuing turkey dinners I don't
want any part of it. Get me a
regular cup of Joe.
HUNTER
You didn't need to kill another
turkey. There are tons of frozen
corpses at the market that just
get thrown away.
MERV
Who the hell cares? They're
turkeys. They're why freezers
were invented!
58 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN (ANIMATED)
Yoda chases J.T. into the kitchen. Hunter snatches him up
just before Yoda gets to him. Yoda crashes into the cabinets.
Pots and pans fly everywhere.
59 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN
HUNTER
You don't want freezer burn do
ya, J.T.? I'll put him in the
attic.
They exit as Lester limps in.
MERV
This is just great, Shirl! It's
like a slap in the face. Only it
keeps slapping!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
28.
LESTER
I'd like to punch you in the face.
Yoda jumps up on the table and chows down on Merv's breakfast.
MERV
How many times do I have to tell
you? Keep this rat dog off my
table!
He raises his hand and let her rips...
60 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN (ANIMATED)
KA-POW! Yoda flies through the air. SPLAT! He hits the
wall and slides down cursing in Spanish.
YODA
Ay Chihuahua! Not again!
61 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN
LESTER
Don't slap him like a bitch!
MERV
I want them out TODAY!
Merv grabs a new plate of food and storms into the
62 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
He sits down and realizes the remote control is on the TV
set. He gets up. Snatches the remote, and sits back down
before turning it on. A football pregame show is on. He
relaxes and gets comfortable in his chair. Looks up to watch
the game and there stands Shirley, with the "I Need You To
Do Some Chores" look on her face he knows so well.
MERV
Uh, uh. I'm already wedged in
and ready to watch the game.
Nothing you can say can pry my
ass outta this chair.
SHIRLEY
Carol called. She's going to
Vegas with Charlie to one of those
employment seminars. Your mother
didn't want to go, so I invited
her to stay with us. You need to
pick her up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
29.
63 INT. 'OL GERTIE -- LATER
Merv drives as his mother, DOROTHY, late eighties, pushes an
urn in his face.
DOROTHY
Give your father a hug.
MERV
Mom!
DOROTHY
Why you ungrateful... rotten...
Merv complies.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
That's a good boy.
She puts the urn on the dash.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
I brought the dehydrator. I know
how you all love my Muskrat jerky.
MERV
Darn it! We're fresh out of...
The truck bounces. Merv, Dorothy, and the Urn pop up. Ashes
fly everywhere.
MERV (CONT'D)
For the Love of Pete!
DOROTHY
Oh joy!
Merv screeches to a halt.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Oh dear. Is it a flat?
MERV
Nope. But with my luck...
64 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- LATER
Merv enters with a load of suitcases and bags. Shane watches
the football game on TV.
MERV
Shane. Get the muskrat outta 'Ol
Gertie.
SHANE
You gonna stuff it too, Pops?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30.
MERV
Just go get it, boy.
He drops the luggage and makes a bee-line for the TV as Shane
heads for the door. Dorothy enters with the urn and food
dehydrator.
DOROTHY
Hi kiddo! Give your Grams a
smooch.
Shane complies as she puts a twenty dollar bill in his hand.
SHANE
Thanks Grams! How ya doin' Gramps?
DOROTHY
Not too good. Your father's
driving cost him an arm and quite
possibly a leg.
Hunter enters as Shane exits.
HUNTER
Well if it isn't my funny grandma!
DOROTHY
In the flesh.
Hunter gives her a big hug and a kiss.
HUNTER
How was your trip?
DOROTHY
Your father ran over a muskrat.
Scared me so much I had an
accident. Be a dear and put your
grandpa somewhere safe.
Hunter takes the urn as Shirley enters.
SHIRLEY
Mother Schmidt, how lovely. You
brought your food dehydrator.
We'll have to make some of your
famous jerky.
DOROTHY
Later. My undies have to dry out
first. Now. What else needs to
be made?
She takes off towards the kitchen. Shirley follows her.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
31.
SHIRLEY
Well I think everything's done
except the pies, of course.
MERV (O.S.)
Go, go, go, go, go! Touchdown!
He yells and dances around like he's just scored. Hunter
puts the urn on the mantle above the fireplace.
HUNTER
Football's so primitive.
MERV
That's because only REAL men...
MEAT-eaters play football!
HUNTER
The key word here is PLAY. You
just watch it.
MERV
Hey, Shirl? Need any help?
65 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DINING ROOM
Shirley and Dorothy bring out the last of the meal. A great
big turkey.
SHIRLEY
I think we've got everything
handled. Dinner's on!
Shane, Hunter, and Lester take their seats at the table.
Yoda tries to get up on the table.
DOROTHY
Hunter be a dear and go get your
Grandpa John.
SHIRLEY
And put Yoda in your Grandpa
Lester's room. I don't want to
re-live Thanksgiving all over
again.
66 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DINING ROOM -- AFTERNOON (ANIMATED)
Yoda humps the stuffing out of the turkey on the table.
67 INT. JONAS' CAR/EXT. FREEWAY -- LATE MORNING (PRESENT)
Jonas laughs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
32.
JONAS
Man, I would have loved to see
that little dog doin' the Turkey
Hump!
MERV
You wouldn't think it was so funny
if he was humping your fried
chicken.
JONAS
Loosen up! Why are all snowflakes
born with a pole up their ass?
MERV
Would you like to see a spook
with a pole up his ass?
68 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DINING ROOM -- AFTERNOON (FLASHBACK)
Everybody sits around the table except...
MERV (O.S.)
Get him! Get him! One of you
pansies... Tackle the son of a
bitch!
SHIRLEY
Merv! Come say grace.
MERV (O.S.)
For the love of Pete! I'm trying
to watch my game!
SHIRLEY
Get in here!
Merv enters and takes his seat at the front.
MERV
Alright. Let's get this over
with. Lord...
The TV Announcer goes nuts like a great play has just
happened. Merv speeds it up.
MERV (CONT'D)
Thanks for the grub. Blah, blah,
blah. Amen.
He tries to leave.
SHIRLEY
Park it! You're carving the
turkey.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33.
MERV
But my game!
Shirley hands him the carving utensils.
MERV (CONT'D)
Okay, I'll carve it! But I won't
eat it. A hunter doesn't eat
anything they don't kill.
SHIRLEY
Oh come now. Who killed the bacon
you had for breakfast?
SHANE
All those hamburgers last week.
SHIRLEY
Right. Those cows didn't whack
themselves over the head.
Leah enters with suitcase in hand.
LEAH
Surprise!
ALL - EXCEPT LEAH
Leah!?
MERV
The result of another one of your
phone calls?
DOROTHY
Knock it off, Grumpy. Give your
old grandma a hug kiddo.
Leah gives her a big hug.
HUNTER
Great to see ya, sis.
SHANE
How's college life?
MERV
Better yet... How's your grades?
SHIRLEY
Give her some air! She just walked
through the door.
MERV
It's my right to know. My money's
paying for them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
34.
LEAH
Hi Gramps!
She kisses Lester on the cheek. Ahmad comes up behind her.
AHMAD
Did you get the...
LEAH
Oh, I need some money for the
taxi.
SHIRLEY
Merv, pay the driver.
Merv takes out his wallet and gives money to Ahmad.
AHMAD
Thank you most kindly, sir. But
taxi driver I am not. I am being
Leah's other half.
LEAH
Mom, Dad. This is Ahmad.
SHIRLEY
You brought your new boyfriend?
Hunter and Shane look at each other.
MERV
Boyfriend!? You're dating a camel
jockey?
AHMAD
Very good, sir. I have not heard
that one before.
LEAH
Dad! Don't call him that!
MERV
Why the hell not?
HUNTER
It's not politically correct.
DOROTHY
What's a camel jockey?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
35.
MERV
Politically correct my ass! If
it wasn't for all those spear-
chuckers, clipped-dicks, and sissy
Mary's, we could say whatever's
on our minds like regular
Americans. Speaking of regular
Americans. Why is it so hard for
you to date one?
69 INSERT (ANIMATED)
Slides of Leah with different boyfriends at different ages.
BABY LEAH plays in a playpen with a BABY INDIAN BOY. PRE-
SCHOOL LEAH plays with an ASIAN PRE-SCHOOL BOY on the monkey
bars. TEENAGE LEAH at the prom with a TEENAGE FILIPINO BOY.
70 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DINING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
LEAH
They're all Americans, Dad! Can
we not talk about them right now.
DOROTHY
What's a Camel Jockey?
AHMAD
I have been wanting to meet the
wonderful Schmidts that brought
the woman I love into this world.
MERV
Well you've met us. Make sure
the door hits your ass on your
way out.
SHIRLEY
My goodness! Sometimes your sense
of humor leaves a lot to be
desired.
MERV
Sense of humor? Who's joking?
SFX: HORN HONK.
SHIRLEY
Go pay the taxi.
Merv snatches the money from Ahmad and grumbles as he exits.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
36.
SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
Let's see... Leah can have her
old room. We'll put Hunter and
Ahmad in with Shane, and Dorothy
in Hunter's old room.
AHMAD
May I be using the facilities?
LEAH
Down the hall. Third door on
your left.
Ahmad does the "pee-pee dance" down the hall. He accidentally
opens the door to
71 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LESTER'S BEDROOM
And spots Yoda.
AHMAD
What a cute little doggie.
He tries to pet Yoda, who snaps at him. Startled, he yanks
his hand back. Yoda's eyes turn red with anger.
AHMAD (CONT'D)
Holy Muhammad! Be staying away
from me dinky devil.
Yoda lunges at him. Ahmad SCREAMS and runs for his life,
slamming the door behind him.
72 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LESTER'S BEDROOM (ANIMATED)
Yoda smashes into the door and sticks there as he curses in
Spanish.
73 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DINING ROOM -- LATER
Merv, Shirley, Lester, Dorothy, Hunter, Leah, and Shane, all
turn around and stare at Ahmad as he sits back at the table.
AHMAD
That little dog possess much evil.
LESTER
He's not evil! He's a defenseless
little dog.
AHMAD
I am begging the differ. He is
pure evil. I am seeing it in his
eyes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
37.
LESTER
Bah! You want evil?
He lets loose the mother of all farts.
LESTER (CONT'D)
That's evil!
SHIRLEY
Dad! Not at the table!
SHANE
That's gonna leave a mark!
LESTER
It did. Shirl, I'm gonna need a
diaper change.
As he gets up to leave a faint THUD rattles a door.
AHMAD
Oh my! You have created a stink
like no other I have been having
the displeasure to witness before.
DOROTHY
The turkey's delicious, Shirley.
SHIRLEY
Why thank you. It's all in my
secret stuffing.
DOROTHY
I said the turkey.
MERV
You call this a turkey? This
ain't no turkey. Hunter, go up
to the attic and bring down the
turkey we should be eating. Damn
veggie freaks. Who ever heard of
taking turkeys to the Vet?
HUNTER
He was wounded!
MERV
Hello!? Wounding's the first
step to killing! Which makes
them a whole hell of a lot easier
to eat. This is what you get
when you drink burnt coffee and
eat orgasmic somethings or others
like all those other Frisco
fruitcakes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
38.
HUNTER
I'm not gay!
MERV
It's a legitimate concern. You
don't like to do anything a real
man does. Play sports... hunt...
eat meat...
AHMAD
Partaking of dead animal carcasses
does not constitute in any way
shape or form that of being what
you call a real man.
MERV
Huh?
HUNTER
Well spoken Veghead brother.
(3D ANIMATED)
A still of Merv while in his state of logical stupor is made
while it is transformed into a 3D computer generated image,
comparing him to the Neanderthal Carnivore Mervicus
Schmidticus, in other words... himself.
HUNTER (V.O.)
Notice the sloped forehead of the
Neanderthal Carnivore hunter and
gatherer. Leaving little room
for a brain to process any logical
thought whatsoever.
(LIVE-ACTION)
MERV
Don't think I don't know what
you're talking about smart ass.
We eat meat in this house! Your
teeth were made to rip into a
nice juicy piece of animal flesh.
He demonstrates on a piece of turkey.
74 EXT. BUILDING (JAPANESE ANIME)
Merv, dressed as CARNIVOR, a robotic caveman, blasts
drumsticks out of his fists at a couple of cowering VEGHEADS
(AHMAD AND HUNTER).
They pick up some veggies and try a surprise attack. But
Carnivor is gone. Their veggie-ammo flies aimlessly through
the air. SUDDENLY!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
39.
Carnivor crashes through the wall holding a side of beef in
one hand and a turkey carcass in the other. He then proceeds
to pulverize the Vegheads with them.
75 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DINING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
DOROTHY
I remember when Merv used to get
the runs from chicken, only we
didn't know it was chicken at the
time so he didn't eat meat for a
whole year!
HUNTER
So, the Carnivorous one was a
Veghead.
MERV
It was doctor's orders. Not by
choice.
SHANE
Did you ever smoke pot?
MERV & SHIRLEY
NO!
SHANE
Okay. Just askin'.
SFX: Loud thud! As if something is hitting a door.
MERV
What the hell is that noise?
76 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LESTER'S BEDROOM (ANIMATED)
Yoda struggles to pry Lester's penis pump off his head.
Every time he hits the door it suctions his head and his
eyes bug out.
77 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DINING ROOM
SHIRLEY
So? Where did you two meet?
LEAH
At a protest.
MERV
Great! If being a Veghead wasn't
bad enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
40.
LEAH
It got out of hand and we spent
our first night together in jail.
Leah and Ahmad attack each other and start kissing hot and
heavy right in front of the family.
SHIRLEY
Jail!?
LEAH
It was only for one night. But
it was enough to get us expelled.
MERV
EXPELLED! That's money well spent.
What's a smart kid like you getting
involved in that tree hugging
crap for?
AHMAD
No-No-No! The hugging of trees
we were definitely not doing.
HUNTER
It's good to stand up for something
you believe in.
Hunter winks at Leah.
MERV
That's easy for you to say. It's
not your money paying for it.
You're back home to stay, aren't
you? Damn it! I'm still trying
to get this one out!
LEAH
Actually I invited Ahmad to stay.
MERV
You what?
Hunter and Shane discuss the unfolding events on the side.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
41.
LEAH
He needed a place to
stay.
MERV
Who cares? Let his
parents feed him, cloth
him, let him take a
dump in their toilet.
SHIRLEY
Merv, you're being
asinine.
HUNTER
Oh man, Leah's out done
herself. Pops is livid.
SHANE
Hope she doesn't over do
it and blow the whole thing.
HUNTER
Don't worry. The plan
can't fail. It's working
even better than I ever
imagined.
MERV
Asinine!? I just don't get it.
Why would you flush your dreams
down the shitter for some guy
named Acne?
ALL - EXCEPT MERV
AHMAD!
MERV
Ahmad? What kind of a name is
that?
AHMAD
It is being my Islamic name given
to me by the grace of Allah.
MERV
Who the hell's Allah? Some kind
of bottled Genie?
He opens the urn...
MERV (CONT'D)
Hey Allah Baba. Are you in there?
DOROTHY
Despicable! Disrespecting your
father like that.
She takes the urn from Merv as he chuckles.
AHMAD
Allah is the true creator.
MERV
Jesus Christ!
DOROTHY
Blasphemy!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
42.
She slaps Merv's face.
MERV
Don't tell me all that time wasted
doodling hasn't paid off and your
coming back too!?
HUNTER
Well...
MERV
I told you this would happen if
you keep giving them money, Shirl!
I'm going to Thursties to finish
my game!
He gets up. Grabs his hat and coat.
SHIRLEY
Fine! Leave. Go to that stupid
old bar! See if I care.
LESTER (O.S.)
Shirley! Come wipe my ass!
MERV
When are you gonna teach him to
wipe his own ass?
SFX: DING!
DOROTHY
Oh joy! My undies are done!
78 INT. JONAS' CAR/EXT. FREEWAY -- LATE MORNING (PRESENT)
MERV
For some odd reason all my leeches
had returned to the scene of their
birth.
He notices an exit sign.
MERV (CONT'D)
Hey! Take this exit. I know a
shortcut.
JONAS
I told you. I'm not taking none
of your damn shortcuts.
MERV
At this pace my pension won't
matter because I'll be dead of
old age. I should'a taken a taxi.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
43.
JONAS
Amen brutha!
MERV
I ain't your brutha!
JONAS
And an AMEN to that as well!
He drives the car forward. Merv lunges over and pulls the
steering wheel so he has to exit.
JONAS (CONT'D)
What the blue-eyed devil's wrong
with you?
MERV
I told you. I know a shortcut.
Turn left at the stop sign.
79 INT. JONAS' CAR/EXT. FREEWAY OFF-RAMP
Jonas drives to the stop sign. A construction sign prohibits
them from making a left turn.
JONAS
Shortcut, huh? Turn left you
say. Which way now Mr. Get-Off-
The-Freeway?
MERV
Turn right. We'll be able to
turn back soon enough.
JONAS
Just for that...
He turns on the radio to an R&B station. Merv groans.
80 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - HALLWAY
Shirley hums one of Shane's tunes as she puts dirty clothes
into the washing machine. Then goes into another room with
some clean clothes from the dryer. Lester hobbles down with
a dog chain in his hand.
LESTER
Yoda! Where are you you little
son of a bitch.
81 INT. OLD MOTORHOME -- MOMENTS LATER (ANIMATED)
LESTER (O.S.)
Yoda? Where the hell are you?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44.
Lester enters and spots Hoppy.
LESTER
There you are! How'd you get in
here you little bastard?
He clips the chain onto Hoppy.
HOPPY
I'm not Yoda ya blind old coot.
(to Buck and Skitso)
Don't just hang there. Help me!
Buck and Skitso laugh as Lester drags Hoppy out the door.
BUCK
Have a nice walk, Hoppy.
SKITSO
Don't forget to write!
82 INT. HOSPITAL - RECEPTION
Leah and Ahmad are at the receptionist's counter.
AHMAD
Please be excusing me. But the
mother of Muhammad is waiting to
be checked upon.
RECEPTIONIST
What?
LEAH
What my fiancé's trying to say is
that I'm here for my first checkup
with Dr. Gondos.
RECEPTIONIST
Then why didn't he just say that?
Fill these out and he'll be with
you shortly.
She hands Leah a pen and a bunch of forms on a clipboard.
83 INT. THURSTIES -- AFTERNOON
Blitz, Trigg, and Hasakami try to play pool. But they are
so drunk balls and cues go flying everywhere. They laugh as
Joe the Bartender gets them to stop with more beer.
84 INT. JONAS' CAR/EXT. FREEWAY SIDE STREET
R&B music continues to play on the radio.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
45.
MERV
Would you shut that crap off!
JONAS
Oh now you're calling my people's
music crap.
MERV
Can't we just listen to something
mutual like the news?
JONAS
Hmm. Alright.
He turns it to the news station. The Sports Report is on.
SPORTS ANCHOR (V.O.)
There's no doubt about it!
B-ball is sizzling this season!
JONAS
Ain't that the truth.
MERV
Basketball sucks!
JONAS
What did you just say?
MERV
You heard me. I haven't watched
basketball since it was taken
over by the monkeys.
JONAS
Say what?
MERV
Now football and hockey... only
real men play those sports.
JONAS
What? A bunch of Cracker's
carrying sticks and wearing hoods
disguised as masks.
MERV
At least they're not like those
highlight-crazed jungle-bunnies
waiting for the ball to be thrown
to them by a token white guy.
Jonas stomps on the brakes and skids to a stop. Merv is
chaffed by the seatbelt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
46.
JONAS
Apologize, or the token white guy
can get the hell outta this jungle-
bunny's ride!
MERV
Okay, I apologize. You're wasting
precious time. Let's get going.
JONAS
I'll start the damn car when I'm
damn good and ready.
He tries to start the car. It won't turn over.
MERV
So? Why aren't we moving?
JONAS
Damn starter. Always actin' up!
MERV
Should'a never bought a foreign
car.
85 EXT. PARK
Lester sits on the park bench yelling at PASSER-BYES. Hoppy
sits next to him.
LESTER
Hey fat ass!
A CUTE FEMALE JOGGER stops and bends down to pet what she
thinks is a dog.
CUTE FEMALE JOGGER
What a sweet little doggie. Yes
you are. You are so sweet.
Lester peeks down her top, which reveals most of her
voluptuous breasts. She notices she's petting a stuffed
Rabbit as Lester pinches her butt. She SCREAMS, then WHACK!
Her open hand meets his face.
CUTE FEMALE JOGGER (CONT'D)
Pervert!
Lester laughs as she jogs off.
LESTER
I think she likes me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
47.
86 INT. AIRPLANE
Hunter throws roasted peanuts in the Pompous Ass's hair.
Disgusted, he gets up and leaves. Hunter climbs over the
seat and sits next to Charlotte.
HUNTER
Miss me?
CHARLOTTE
That guy's pissed.
HUNTER
He's gonna have the runs in a
little while.
He puts some laxatives in the Pompous Ass's drink.
CHARLOTTE
What are you doing?
HUNTER
He brought this on himself.
POMPOUS ASS
Ahem!
Hunter looks up to see the Pompous Ass and a STEWARDESS.
STEWARDESS
I'm afraid you're going to have
to return to your seat, sir.
Next time I have to tell you...
Well let's just say there are a
few reasons we carry parachutes
on board this plane.
Hunter moves back to his seat to the dismay of the Other
Passengers in his row. The Pompous Ass sits down.
STEWARDESS (CONT'D)
Let me know if you have any further
trouble.
POMPOUS ASS
Oh you bet I will.
He takes a drink of his soda.
87 EXT. FREEWAY SIDE STREET
Jonas is under the car fiddling with the starter.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
48.
MERV
Have you been having nightmares
lately?
JONAS
Only every time I look next door
and see the family of whacked out
Charlie's. Pass me the other
screwdriver.
Merv complies.
MERV
Like you're standing out in the
middle of the road. All by
yourself...
88 EXT. EMPTY HIGHWAY -- NIGHT (NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE)
Merv finds himself alone in the middle of the road.
89 INT. 'OL GERTIE (ANIMATED)
Buck, Hoppy, and Skitso, dressed in hunting attire and armed
with rifles, argue over who gets to drive.
90 EXT. EMPTY HIGHWAY
Merv spots 'Ol Gertie speeding towards him. He wants to run
but can't. Trapped "like a human in headlights".
91 INT. 'OL GERTIE (ANIMATED)
Buck, Hoppy, and Skitso continue to argue.
92 EXT. EMPTY HIGHWAY
'Ol Gertie bears down on Merv. He SCREAMS as he's transported
into...
93 EXT. AHMAD'S WORLD (ANIMATED)
There are Convenient Stores on every corner. A guy selling
bombs to people at an airport. Taxicabs everywhere. And
just for good measure every body looks just like Ahmad.
They chant a prayer to Allah...
AHMAD (V.O.)
Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.
Alhamdu lillahu Rabbil 'alamin.
TIMEWARP TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
49.
94 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM -- MORNING (FLASHBACK)
TIMEWARP DAY: Last Monday
The sound of Ahmad praying to Allah continues.
AHMAD
Arrahmanir Rahim. Maliki yaw
mid...
Merv opens his eyes and sees Ahmad, arms and legs crossed.
MERV
What the hell are you doing?
AHMAD
I am praying to the great Allah.
MERV
Not in my bedroom, towlie!
95 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN
Shirley hurries breakfast along, Dorothy looks through the
cupboards, the Urn sits on the table. Yoda eats from the
plate at the head of the table. Hunter doodles, and Lester
sucks his breakfast through a silly straw.
LESTER
Needs pepper.
He picks up the urn and sprinkles some of it in his breakfast
drink. Takes a swig and likes the new flavor. Dorothy turns
around to see Yoda.
DOROTHY
Oh joy! Scat! Scat!
Merv and Ahmad yell at each other as the go down the hallway.
Yoda turns his attention to the commotion.
AHMAD (O.S.)
This is free country. You can
not oppress me like this.
SHIRLEY
Hunter. Quick! Put Yoda outside.
Hunter grabs Yoda just as he leaps off the table and tosses
him outside. Yoda BARKS as he appears in the back door window
from time to time.
MERV (O.S.)
I can oppress anybody I want in
my house!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50.
Ahmad enters followed by Merv.
SHIRLEY
Ahmad! Have a seat. Breakfast
is ready.
Ahmad looks under the table for any sign of Yoda.
LESTER
Don't get your turban in a bind!
They put him outside.
Yoda jumps up in the window and scares Ahmad, who backs up
into Merv's chair and sits down.
MERV
What do you think you're doing?
AHMAD
I am sitting down to partake of
breakfast.
MERV
Move it!
Ahmad moves to the next chair over. Shirley puts a plate of
eggs sunnyside up, country potatoes, and ham in front of
Merv. Then a plate in front of Ahmad, minus the ham.
SHIRLEY
Rule #1. Don't sit in any chair
that has a permanent indent.
Here you go. No meat!
AHMAD
No! Get it away! Oh the carnage!
He wigs out. Everybody stares at him.
SHIRLEY
What's wrong?
LESTER
Maybe he wants to drink it through
a straw!
MERV
He's nutsy-coo-coo! That's why
his kind are always terrorizing
innocent people.
Leah rushes in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
51.
LEAH
What's going on? What did you
say to him, dad?
AHMAD
Liquid... chickens.
LEAH
It's the eggs. He doesn't eat
eggs.
SHIRLEY
Oh my! I didn't know eggs were
meat.
She takes the plate away.
LEAH
It's okay baby. They're gone.
MERV
What kind of nutcase have you
gotten involved with this time?
LEAH
The father of my child is not a
nut case!
The room gets silent.
MERV & AHMAD
The what!?
LEAH
I'm Pregnant.
She holds up the pregnancy test. Hunter spews his Cappuccino.
AHMAD
You mean?
SHIRLEY
I'm going to be a
grandma!?
DOROTHY
Great grandma!?
AHMAD
But how could this have happened?
96 INT. LEAH'S DORM ROOM -- EVENING
Giggling is heard coming from under the sheets as a thick
Iranian accent sings...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52.
AHMAD (O.S.)
Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake,
shake. Shake your boobies. Shake
your boobies.
97 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN -- MORNING
MERV
Leave it to the raghead to not
know the birds from the bees.
AHMAD
You are not understanding. The
great Allah will have my balls
for this? There is only one
honorable thing to do.
He gets down on one knee.
AHMAD (CONT'D)
Leah, mother of my child, would
you be doing me the honor of
becoming my...
MERV
Oh no! She's not marrying you!
I won't permit it!
HUNTER
They don't need your permission.
Nobody cares about the father's
opinion anymore.
MERV
I'll ask your opinion when I want
it Mr. Save the World from itself.
LEAH
Oh, Ahmad...
MERV
Don't answer yet... Where are
you going to live?
LEAH
Here.
AHMAD
Fabulous! I will join you in
this migration.
MERV
The hell you will! There will be
no migrating to this house.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
53.
HUNTER
That's a great idea!
MERV
Shut up.
SHIRLEY
She's going to need support from
the whole family, that includes
you, Merv.
MERV
Using the phone didn't stop you
from helping before.
(to Leah)
How's he going to support you?
LEAH
He'll get a job. Maybe at the
Collection Agency.
HUNTER
Hey yeh! You're always trying to
get Shane to follow in your
footsteps.
MERV
I said shut up, Veggie Boy.
DOROTHY
So? What's the answer?
Leah looks at Ahmad...
LEAH
Yes! Yes I'll marry you.
AHMAD
Oh, Leah! I am overjoyed with...
joy!
Leah and Ahmad embrace and kiss. Ahmad stops and rubs Leah's
stomach.
AHMAD (CONT'D)
Oops! I'm sorry little Muhammad.
He removes a veil from his turban.
AHMAD (CONT'D)
Leah, mother of my child. As my
betrothed, I place this symbol of
our love on your head. It shall
be removed only in my presence.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
54.
SHIRLEY
Oh I love these foreign rituals.
They're so romantic.
MERV
This so called romance is making
me sick. I'm going to work.
He gets up to leave.
AHMAD
Be welcoming me to the family...
Dad!
He jumps up and gives Merv a great big bear hug and a kiss.
MERV
Somebody! Get this fairy off me!
Shane drags himself in.
SHANE
Did I miss something?
98 EXT. FREEWAY SIDE STREET -- AFTERNOON (PRESENT)
Jonas continues fiddling with the car.
MERV
Haven't you got that thing fixed
yet?
JONAS
No. It's as stubborn as you.
MERV
Let me give it a try.
JONAS
Have you flipped that StayPuft
marshmallow head of yours?
MERV
What's it gonna hurt?
99 EXT. FREEWAY SIDE STREET -- MOMENTS LATER
Hot water spurts all over the place!
MERV
Son of a bitch!
He struggles to get out from under the car.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
55.
JONAS
Well this is a fine how do ya do.
You give White Devil a whole new
meaning. How am I supposed to
fix that?
MERV
How am I supposed to get to work?
JONAS
How are you supposed to get to
work!? Why don't you ask your
damn side streets!
MERV
Side streets had nothing to do
with your monkey mobile breaking
down. It was those Jerkanese not
making these things right in the
first place! You're lucky we
didn't break down on the damn
freeway your black ass was so
happy to be on!
JONAS
Oh! So now you're some kind of
peckerwood savior. Let me bow
down to your righteous white ass.
He mockingly bows down to Merv.
MERV
Why do you people always have to
twist everything around?
JONAS
Oh! It's my people that twist
everything around, huh? Man, I
oughta bust you another one!
MERV
Another one what?
Jonas raises his fists...
JONAS
You're about to find out. I got
feet like a bee and fists that
sting like a butterfly.
MERV
Then say hello to my bug swatters.
He raises his fists. They go around in circles without
throwing a punch.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
56.
100 EXT. PARK
Lester and Hoppy sit on another park bench. A BUSTY WOMAN
comes over to him.
LESTER
Hey toots! Come sit on my lap.
BUSTY WOMAN
You looking for a good time stud?
LESTER
Always. I may look old, but the
plumbing's still squirtin'. And
I've got cash.
He hands over some money. The Busty Woman takes it.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Oh boy, Yoda! I'm gonna score!
The Busty Woman slaps on a pair of handcuffs and shows him
her police badge.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Damn it! Not again!
101 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - SHANE'S GARAGE ROOM
A pair of skid-marked underwear is pulled over a sleeping
head. A pair of tweezers plucks out an armpit hair.
SHANE
What the!? Ah, man!
He pulls off the underwear, and is met by the stomachs of
Lance and Dylan, one with lint in his belly-button.
DYLAN
Feed me, Shane!
LANCE
Don't let me starve!
SHANE
Gees guys. Couldn't you find
anything better to do?
They pull their shirts down as we pull back to reveal Shane's
domain. A kick-ass room with pot posters, band posters,
drums, guitars, amps, microphones, mic stands, and cable.
LANCE
Nah. You, Dylan?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
57.
DYLAN
Nah.
SHANE
Wait here. I'll go raid the
register.
He gets out of bed.
102 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER
Shirley does her daily chores of dishes. The PHONE RINGS.
SHIRLEY
Hello. Schmidt residence. This
is Shirley. Not again! Why'd
they take the stuffed Rabbit to
Animal Control? Yes I know the
little dog is still there. We've
been so busy. I'll be down as
soon as I can.
She hangs up and dials.
SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
Hi, Winnie. Could you do me a
huge favor?
Shane enters and spots Shirley's purse on the table. He
digs through it.
SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
Leah and Ahmad aren't back with
my car yet and I've got to pick
up my dad over at the jail. Yes,
solicitation again! I just don't
know what's gotten into him.
He's like the Energizer Bunny!
Shane takes out a twenty dollar bill.
103 INT. HOSPITAL
Leah, on a pay phone, gets a BUSY SIGNAL.
NURSE
Leah Schmidt. LEAH SCHMIDT!
AHMAD
That's me! I mean us! I mean...
Leah! Be getting off the phone.
Our turn is upon us.
He hangs up the phone for Leah and escorts her to the nurse.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
58.
AHMAD (CONT'D)
Leah Schmidt, soon to be Ahkben,
mother of Muhammad is present.
NURSE
(sarcastically)
Follow me, oh sacred mother.
Ahmad tries to follow, but the Nurse stops him.
NURSE (CONT'D)
Your sacred ass can sit over there.
She points to the
104 INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM
Where a bunch of EXPECTANT FATHERS pace back and forth.
105 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - SHANE'S GARAGE ROOM
Dylan and Lance work on some music. Shane walks in.
SHANE
Scored a twenty spot!
Dylan and Lane whoop their approval.
SHANE (CONT'D)
Now lets score some gas.
106 INT. WINNIE'S CAR -- LATER
Winnie looks down at her gas gauge.
WINNIE
That's funny I could'a sworn I
filled up when I dropped off
Charlotte and Hunter this morning.
SHIRLEY
Why don't you fill it up on me
while I bail my dad out of jail.
She digs through her purse...
SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
Hmmmmm. That's weird. I know I
had a twenty in here somewhere.
107 EXT. TASTEE BURGER - ESTABLISHING SHOT -- MOMENTS LATER
(ANIMATED)
The first "r" in the BURGER sign is missing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
59.
108 EXT. TASTEE BURGER ORDER STATION/INT. SHANE'S VW BUS
Shane pulls up to the drive-thru order station. The loud,
obnoxious voice of an 80's Glamrocker blasts on the speaker.
GLAMROCKER (V.O.)
Welcome to Tastee Burger. May I
take your order? Aaaaallriiiight!
SHANE
Yeh, I'd like a couple hempy meals
with weed burgers.
LANCE
Don't forget the cannabis fries
this time, man!
DYLAN
And maybe some Coke to wash it
down, man.
GLAMROCKER (V.O.)
Are you outta your mind? Coke'll
put you six feet under. Ohh yeh!
SHANE
To drink, dumbass. We're thirsty.
GLAMROCKER (V.O.)
Oh. Thanks for your order, pull
up to the window. Aaallriight!
109 EXT. TASTEE BURGER - ORDER STATION (ANIMATED)
The speaker shakes... smokes... and explodes!
110 EXT. TASTEE BURGER - DRIVE-THRU WINDOW/INT. SHANE'S VW BUS
Shane pulls up. The GLAMROCKER, decked out in a Glam-style
Tastee Burger Gear, is just as loud and obnoxious as on the
speaker.
GLAMROCKER
Hey Guys! You've gotta throw
another rager. That last one
rocked! Oh yehhhhhh!
111 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- LATE NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
Shane, Lance, and Dylan rock out as YOUNG ADULTS drink and
party like there's no tomorrow. Yoda drinks from a leaky
beer keg. Lester dances with ZOE, Lance's 18 year-old gothic
girlfriend. He puts his hands on her butt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
60.
112 INT. JONAS' HOUSE - LIVING ROOM (ANIMATED)
Things fall off the walls and break. Jonas is on the phone.
JONAS
I want to report a disturbance.
What? It's not my damn stereo?
It's the damn hillbillies next
door!
113 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The Glamrocker throws up. Yoda jumps off the counter, sniffs
the vomit, and laps it up. The door opens. OFFICER GRADY
pokes his head in. Merv and Shirley enter behind Officer
Grady.
OFFICER GRADY
My God! It's Slackerpalooza!
MERV
For the Love of Pete!
SHIRLEY
Looks like a party.
MERV
You think?
He spots Lester dancing with Zoe.
MERV (CONT'D)
Nice to see we can trust your old
delinquent of a father.
Dylan spots Officer Grady. The music stops.
DYLAN
It's the fuzz! Hide the weed!
114 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM (ANIMATED)
Yoda looks up and drunkenly envisions Merv's leg as the Furry
Bitch.
FURRY BITCH
Here I am, stud! Want some of
this?
Yoda drools as she turns and raises her ass. POOF! He
charges towards her like a mad dog in heat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
61.
115 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Yoda misses Merv's leg, and BOINK! Right into the wall. He
backs up in a daze. Shirley picks him up.
SHIRLEY
Oh, you poor baby. What have
they done to you?
Yoda licks her in the mouth.
MERV
Alright! Everybody Out!
Nobody moves. Officer Grady whips out his bullhorn.
OFFICER GRADY
You heard the man. Vacate the
premises... NOW!!!
There's a mad dash for the door.
SHIRLEY
Thanks for coming. Hope you had
fun.
Shane tries to sneak out with them. Merv grabs him.
SHANE
Mom! Dad! What are you doing
here?
116 EXT. POLICE STATION - ESTABLISHING SHOT -- AFTERNOON
(PRESENT)
117 INT. POLICE STATION - HALLWAY
Shirley follows a POLICE OFFICER down the hallway.
POLICE OFFICER
Your old man's quite a handful.
SHIRLEY
Tell me about it.
They pass by...
118 INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM
Where a MIME is being interrogated by a FAT COP and a BALD
COP. It appears to be another of his routines.
MIME
I'm telling you! It was a beat
up VW Bus!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
62.
BALD COP
Settle down pal! We want to know
what you were doing at the theater.
MIME
Performing!
FAT COP
Performing what?
BALD COP
Tricks! With all that make-up...
I'd say he's one of them
transvestites that have been
hanging around there lately.
MIME
I'm a Mime!
FAT COP
What are you crazy? Do we look
stupid to you? Mime's don't talk.
119 INT. AIRPLANE
The Pompous Ass snores loudly. He's adorned by various items
put all over him by Hunter. There's a RUMBLE IN HIS STOMACH.
The Pompous Ass's eyes pop open. ANOTHER RUMBLE.
120 INT. POMPOUS ASS'S DIGESTIVE TRACT (ANIMATED)
A GROUP OF LAXATIVE BUBBLES reek havoc by jumping up and
down, punching, and more.
121 INT. AIRPLANE
The Pompous Ass rushes for the bathroom. Hunter returns to
the seat next to Charlotte.
HUNTER
He's gonna be in there awhile.
CHARLOTTE
Hunter, I'd like to punch you
now. Does the offer still stand?
HUNTER
What did I do?
CHARLOTTE
Can you behave yourself for another
hour? I don't want to have to
explain to Bogel why his hot new
animator's somewhere in the...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
63.
She looks out the window.
CHARLOTTE (CONT'D)
Rockies.
HUNTER
They can't make me jump.
122 INT./EXT. AIRPLANE -- MOMENTS LATER (ANIMATED)
A HUGE FOOT kicks Hunter out of the plane. He tries to open
his parachute. A bunch of knickknacks fly out. He SCREAMS
as he plummets towards the ground.
HUNTER
Hey, what am I afraid of? I'm a
cartoon.
He SPLATS into the ground.
HUNTER (CONT'D)
That didn't hurt!
123 INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM
Ahmad and the Expectant Fathers pace around when a BLOOD-
CURDLING SCREAM is heard. They all stop. The scream is
followed by intense laughter, they all sigh in relief. The
laughter continues into the
124 INT. HOSPITAL - EXAMINING ROOM
Leah laughs as she lays on an examining table. DR. GONDOS
checks her out.
DR. GONDOS
Oops. Sorry. The tools are a
little cold. How'd your father
react to the possibility that you
may be pregnant?
TIMEWARP TO:
125 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN -- MORNING (FLASHBACK)
TIMEWARP DAY: Last Monday
Merv, Shirley, Hunter, Leah, Ahmad, Dorothy, and Lester sit
at the table. Yoda jumps up in the window, barking.
MERV
The poor kid's not going to know
whether to own a convenience store
or drive a taxi! There will be
no half-breed born in this house!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
64.
DOROTHY
What's a half-breed?
LEAH
Fine! I'll have your grandson
somewhere else. Where he'll be
appreciated.
Leah storms out. Ahmad gets up to follow.
AHMAD
You sir, are a "mardekeh".
He lodges a loogie as he speaks. It lands in Merv's food.
MERV
Thanks a lot Hack Boy! Don't
bomb any planes on your way back!
Ahmad curses in Farsi as he goes down the hall. Dorothy
screams at the top of her lungs.
DOROTHY
WHAT'S A HALF BREED!?
126 INT. WINNIE'S CAR -- AFTERNOON (PRESENT)
Winnie drives. Shirley is in the passenger seat and Lester
is in the back yelling out the window.
LESTER
Hey fat ass!
SHIRLEY
Thanks so much for doing this.
WINNIE
No problem. It's always good to
help out a friend.
SHIRLEY
I wish our husbands could get
along. I think Merv enjoys being
miserable... then he spreads it
around so he has company.
WINNIE
Jonas is the same way. You know...
if those two took a moment to
stop fighting, they'd realize how
much alike they are.
127 EXT. FREEWAY SIDE STREET
Merv and Jonas, with fists raised are still going in circles.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
65.
MERV
Are you gonna do something?
JONAS
Oh I intend to.
MERV
This is ridiculous.
He puts down his fists, turns, and walks up the street.
JONAS
Just like a cracky to turn yellow
and run. Where you going?
MERV
To call a taxi.
JONAS
Taxi? You better be calling a
damn tow truck.
Jonas follows him. The radiator continues to smoke and spurt.
MERV
It's your car. You call the damn
tow truck.
128 EXT. GAS STATION - PHONE BOOTHS -- MOMENTS LATER
Merv picks up a pay phone, puts in a quarter, and dials a
number. Jonas looks at his pay phone. It's disgusting.
JONAS
Sure. Leave the shitty phone for
the brutha!
He thumbs through the phone book and gets gum on his fingers.
MERV
Hey Samantha, it's Merv. My ride
is having a little car trouble.
He's calling a tow truck now.
Has the tojo come in yet? Great!
I'll be there as soon as I can.
He hangs up as Jonas dials.
JONAS
Hello! Yeh, I need a tow! How
the hell am I supposed to know!?
I'm on some cracker's side street.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
66.
129 INT. THURSTIES -- MOMENTS LATER
Blitz, Trigg, and Hasakami drink away, amusing themselves.
Blitz's PAGER GOES OFF.
BLITZ
Damn it! Work calls. Hey Joe,
can I use your phone?
JOE THE BARTENDER
Sure.
He puts the phone on the counter.
130 INT. RETIREMENT HOME
Shirley and Lester sit as the SUPERVISOR types "Lester
Feldman" into her computer. It comes up FLASHING RED.
SUPERVISOR
Oh my! Mr. Feldman's a code red.
We can't admit problem elders
here.
LESTER
Whelp! You heard the lady. Let's
go pick up Yoda.
He gets up and shuffles out.
SHIRLEY
You've got to admit him!
SUPERVISOR
I'm sorry. His behavior at the...
thirty-eight other rest homes
leave a lot to be desired.
SHIRLEY
But he's changed.
A SCREAM is heard. A NURSE runs by the door followed by
Lester moving his fingers like pinchers.
131 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - SHANE'S GARAGE ROOM
Shane, Dylan, Lance and Zoe sit around smoking pot as "HR
PUFNSTUF" plays on the TV.
DYLAN
Hey! Those trees are talkin'.
Wild, man.
Dylan passes the joint to Lance over Zoe. They fumble the
transition and it drops on Zoe, burning her.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
67.
ZOE
Watch it, jerk!
She gives Lance a major "titty twister".
LANCE
Ouch, bitch!
He returns the "titty twister". Dylan and Shane laugh.
SHANE
Hey. Is it just me or do you all
have the munchies?
DYLAN
Definitely. But we're outta dough.
GOBBLING comes from a vent in the garage.
132 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER (ANIMATED)
Shane, Lance, and Dylan attempt to stuff J.T. into the food
dehydrator. ALIVE! Feathers are flying everywhere.
J.T.
Alright! Somebody's askin' for a
peckin'! Where's the damn veghead
when you need him?
SHANE
Hold his wings, dumbass.
DYLAN
I'm trying!
LANCE
How long do we have to hold him
here?
SHANE
I don't know. Until he's done.
J.T. gets loose and chases them around the house.
J.T.
You wanna piece of me? You wanna
piece of me? Why you runnin'?
Chickens!
133 EXT. FREEWAY SIDE STREET -- LATE AFTERNOON (PRESENT)
As Merv and Jonas walk back a tow truck drives up and parks
in front of Jonas' car. The TOW TRUCK DRIVER gets out of
the truck. Merv recognizes him
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
68.
MERV
Blitz?
BLITZ
Merv? Why aren't you at work?
JONAS
Probably because he killed my
car.
BLITZ
Yep. Looks like Merv's been here
alright. Where's your truck?
MERV
Do you even have to ask?
TIMEWARP TO:
134 EXT. BANK DRIVE-UP TELLER/INT. 'OL GERTIE -- LATE AFTERNOON
TIMEWARP DAY: Last Wednesday
Yoda, with a withdrawal slip stuffed in his collar, stares
up at Shane, Lance, and Dylan from inside a bank tube.
DYLAN
Come on... Say it...
LANCE
It's just a commercial, man.
Shane puts some shaving cream around Yoda's mouth.
SHANE
Surf's up, Yoda dude!
He closes the tube and drops it into the bank tube slot.
135 INT. TUBE PASSAGEWAY (ANIMATED)
Yoda freaks out as he zips through the tunnel.
136 INT. BANK
BANK EMPLOYEES work in the background. The DRIVE-THRU TELLER
works diligently at her station when Yoda pops up shaking
like a leaf. She SCREAMS, jumps back, and hits the panic
button. A SECURITY GUARD and PATRONS hit the floor. On the
drive-thru monitor we see.
(ANIMATED)
Shane, Lance, and Dylan "mooning" the camera.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
69.
137 EXT. BANK
Sirens blare. Police cars skid to a stop in front and behind
the truck. Officer Grady gets out of his squad car.
OFFICER GRADY
(on megaphone)
You in the truck. Come out with
your hands up.
SHANE, DYLAN & LANCE
Oh shit!
They quickly pull up their pants. In his haste, Shane
accidentally hits the gear lever.
138 EXT. BANK (ANIMATED)
'Ol Gertie takes off backwards, out of control, smashing
into the patrol cars. They regroup and take off after them.
139 INT. 'OL GERTIE
Shane struggles with the gear.
140 EXT. CITY STREETS (ANIMATION)/INT. 'OL GERTIE (LIVE-
ACTION)/INT. POLICE CARS (LIVE-ACTION)
The police chase 'Ol Gertie driving backwards through town.
Cut like a music video to one of Shane's Band's songs. The
EXTERIORS are done in ANIMATION and the INTERIORS of 'OL
GERTIE and the POLICE CARS are done in LIVE-ACTION.
The chase ends in ANIMATION with 'Ol Gertie crashing through
construction barriers and falling into a huge sinkhole.
SHANE, DYLAN & LANCE (O.S.)
Ouch!
141 EXT. FREEWAY SIDE STREET -- LATE AFTERNOON (PRESENT)
Blitz secures Jonas' car to his tow truck.
BLITZ
It was on TV and everything. 'Ol
Gertie fell down the hole and
couldn't get up.
JONAS
Gertie!?
MERV
It was my dad's truck.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
70.
BLITZ
Whelp the car's all hitched up.
Lets get you to work.
142 INT. BLITZ'S TOW TRUCK -- MOMENTS LATER
Jonas sits in between Merv and Blitz, laughing at Merv's
expense.
BLITZ
Then I said... Hunter!? The front
end of Ol' Gertie's a testament
to your hunting prowess.
TIMEWARP TO:
143 INT. THURSTIES -- EVENING (FLASHBACK)
TIMEWARP DAY: Last Tuesday
Merv sits solemnly at the bar with a full mug of beer in
front of him, while Blitz and Trigg drink it up.
TRIGG
Yep! Merv couldn't hit the side
of a barn even if you stuck the
barrel right up against it.
BLITZ
Hey! How is that deer, anyway?
Trigg and Blitz laugh uncontrollably. The BAR PATRONS go
crazy as a boxing match they are watching on TV comes down
to an exciting finish. Blitz and Trigg turn their attention
to the fight. Merv just sits there.
BAR PATRONS
Four... Three... Two... One!
The Bar Patrons CHEER! Blitz notices Merv isn't cheering.
BLITZ
You missed it! Never saw a guy
bleed like that. Oh that's right.
Somebody put his money on the
white guy.
MERV
Just put it on my IOU.
Trigg whips out a little red book and makes a note of it.
TRIGG
I already have.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
71.
BLITZ
Come on, Merv. Cheer up. Your
nightmares will come to an end.
Sooner or later.
MERV
Screw the nightmares! Reality's
a hundred times worse.
TRIGG
Woman's Digest says reality is
stranger than fiction.
Everybody stops what they're doing and stares at Trigg.
TRIGG (CONT'D)
What? It was in the bathroom.
BLITZ
Hey, they'll all be gone.
MERV
Not soon enough.
TRIGG
You know what I'd do if those
were my kids?
BLITZ
Shut up fool. You don't have any
kids.
TRIGG
Oh yeh. Well if my father-in-law
came to live with me... I'd tell
my wife... look... He's not staying
here and that's final.
BLITZ
Aren't you the bold one? Your
father-in-law's six feet under.
TRIGG
True. But if he came back from
the dead. I'd still tell her to
get that no good rotting corpse
the hell outta my domain.
BLITZ
You tell Dorleen that and you'll
be six feet under.
TRIGG
Hell, no! I'm the king of my
castle!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
72.
BLITZ
Is that right? So "King". Let's
go huntin' tomorrow.
TRIGG
Can't. She's making me go to her
sister's tupperware party.
Blitz makes a whip crack sound effect. Merv stands up.
MERV
I have a dream!
The Bar Patrons grow quiet.
MERV (CONT'D)
A dream where all my kids have
jobs and can support themselves
and move the hell outta my house.
A dream that Shirley and I can
once again make love without
somebody barging in on us.
TRIGG
Hey, hey, hey! Easy on the visual
stuff. Our guts are sorta filled
with beer... if you know what I
mean.
MERV
Gees. It's just human nature. I
mean... Hell! Trigg, you and
Dorleen still have sex, don't ya?
Trigg's stomach RUMBLES. He rushes out.
BLITZ
Why'd you have to go and mention
Dorleen and sex in the same
sentence for? You know he still
has to wear a blindfold.
144 INT. BLITZ'S TOW TRUCK -- LATE AFTERNOON (PRESENT)
Jonas is livid.
JONAS
Blasphemy! That's Sacrilege!
Stealin' Martin Luther King Jr.'s
shit. That's just like the white
man. Can't think of nothin'
original so he goes and steals a
black man's masterpiece and uses
it for his own damn self.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
73.
BLITZ
I'm sure he didn't mean it that
way.
A BUM steps out in front of them.
MERV
Blitz! Watch out!
Blitz slams on the brakes. The Bum, Merv, and Jonas SCREAM
as the tow truck screeches to a halt followed by Jonas' car
and a THUD.
145 EXT. STREET -- MOMENTS LATER
The Bum lays motionless. Merv, Jonas, and Blitz hover over
him.
JONAS
You're the hunter. You turn him
over.
MERV
I don't hunt people!
BLITZ
Well I ain't turnin' him over.
What if he's dead and I turn him
over and my live eyes and his
dead eyes meet and it causes some
sort of crazy zombie type
transformation.
MERV & JONAS
Zombie transformation?
The Bum moves. Blitz screams like a girl.
BLITZ
He's alive! He's gonna eat our
brains!
JONAS
Our brains!? You're the Pinky
that hit him.
MERV
He's not gonna eat anybody's
brains. You okay, mister?
He helps the Bum up, who notices his "Will Work For Food"
sign is in pieces.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
74.
RALPH
Ah! Look what ya did to my new
sign. Now I'm a gonna have to
make another one.
MERV
Ralph?
RALPH
Yeh? Merv?
MERV & RALPH
It is you!
They give each other a friendly hug.
JONAS
What is this? A Spice Boys
Reunion? Come on. Don't want to
be late to your last day, remember?
RALPH
You're retiring today?
MERV
Maybe. You know how that old
penny pinchin' jap is.
RALPH
Indeed I do. You seem pretty
calm. Remember how I was?
TIMEWARP TO:
146 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - BREAK ROOM -- MORNING (FLASHBACK)
TIMEWARP DAY: 1 Year Ago
Ralph nervously pours coffee in his mug. Merv enters.
MERV
Better calm those nerves, Ralph.
You're gonna give yourself away.
RALPH
I can't help it. What am I going
to do if he gets me right before
I clock out like Schwartz? That's
something I don't think I can
handle very well.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
75.
MERV
You'll be okay. I'll try to keep
the slant-eyed devil busy. Just
get a grip on yourself. You've
only got an hour left.
Hasakami trudges in. Merv casually gets his cup of coffee.
HASAKAMI
Ralph! Schidt! Why you not
working?
Startled, Ralph's coffee flings in the air. Landing all
over Hasakami. Ralph grabs paper towels and attempts to
wipe the coffee off.
RALPH
I'm terribly sorry Mr.
Hasacrapy... I mean...
HASAKAMI
Forget mess. Just get to work.
No collect. No make me money.
RALPH
Yes sir. Right away, sir!
He gives the mug and paper towel to Hasakami and exits.
147 EXT. STREET -- LATE AFTERNOON (PRESENT)
MERV
I'm surprised I've still got a
chance.
JONAS
A chance that's fading if we don't
get going.
MERV
A few days ago I went into his
office to get my paycheck and
what do I see? Thursday circled
in red with my name on it. That
kamikaze's gonna can me the day
before to make sure there are no
mistakes.
RALPH
He's a sly one alright.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
76.
BLITZ
So I came up with this brilliant
plan.
TIMEWARP TO:
148 EXT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS -- LATE NIGHT (FLASHBACK)(ANIMATED)
TIMEWARP DAY: Last Wednesday
A grungy rendition of "Mission Impossible" kicks in as Merv,
Blitz, and Trigg, dressed in black, sneak up to the building
and climb clumsily into an open window. Almost being detected
by a RENT-A-COP on patrol.
149 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - HASAKAMI'S OFFICE
Merv, Trigg, and Blitz sneak in. Merv goes up towards the
board when the chair swings around with Hasakami in it. He
quickly ducks down in front of the desk. Blitz and Trigg
hide around the corner.
MERV (V.O.)
What brilliant plan? I thought I
was a goner.
150 EXT. STREET -- LATE AFTERNOON (PRESENT)
BLITZ
Yeh, but we got you out.
MERV
Barely. Then last night Leah
talks me into taking her fiancé
to a hockey game. And I always
stop by Thursties for a post-game
beer.
BLITZ
Never fails.
TIMEWARP TO:
151 INT. THURSTIES -- EVENING (FLASHBACK)
TIMEWARP DAY: Last Night
Merv and Ahmad stumble in.
MERV
Knock his head off!
AHMAD
Yes. Be knocking head off!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
77.
They laugh.
MERV
You're alright for a crazy camel
tipper.
AHMAD
Same to you. You whacked out
redneck! I'm so glad we are
bonding like horse substance.
ALL
SURPRISE!!!
MERV
(startled)
FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
A huge Retirement Banner hangs over the bar. FAMILY including
Aunt Carol and Uncle Charlie, FRIENDS (Blitz, Trigg, and his
wife DORLEEN), Joe the Bartender, and CO-WORKERS (including
Hasakami) are there to celebrate.
SHIRLEY
Happy Retirement, Merv!
MERV
Surprises, Shirl? You know what
I think of surprises.
SHIRLEY
Oh, loosen up for once. Have a
little fun. Come on.
Shane's band kicks it into gear as she grabs Merv's hand and
leads him through the crowd of well-wishers. Merv spots
Hasakami and stares at him as Shirley leads him to the front.
Hasakami grins evilly as he makes a slashing motion across
his throat.
152 INT. JAPANESE FIGHTER COCKPIT -- MORNING (ANIMATED)
Hasakami is transformed into a Kamikaze Fighter Pilot. The
plane crash dives into a Navy Ship that reads "U.S.S Merv's
Pension". Exploding and sinking into the sea.
153 INT. THURSTIES -- EVENING
Shirley pushes Merv into a seat. Hunter stands up in front
of the crowd.
HUNTER
Dad, I just wanted to start out
by saying... We Gotchya!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
78.
154 EXT. STREET -- LATE AFTERNOON (PRESENT)
MERV
Can you believe that? A goddamn
prank!
(ANIMATED)
Dorothy, SUPERIMPOSED OVER LIVE-ACTION pops up, slaps Merv
across the face, and sticks a bar of soap in his mouth.
DOROTHY
Blasphemer!
155 INT. THURSTIES -- EVENING (FLASHBACK)
HUNTER
Don't worry Dad, I'm not staying.
I came home this week just to
help put this party together.
Charlotte helped me get a job as
an animator a few months ago.
And my first short is airing next
week. But I wanted to premier it
here tonight because it was
inspired by and is dedicated to
you! Family... Friends... A
glimpse of The Honkees!
156 "THE HONKEES" (ANIMATED SHORT)
Begins with a parody of "The Monkees" theme song about 30
seconds in length.
157 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- MORNING (ANIMATED)
Hunter, age 12; Leah, age 10, and Shane, age 7, sit around
the Christmas tree frantically searching. A plate of cookies
and milk sit on the fireplace mantel. Untouched.
YOUNG HUNTER
Where else could they be?
Leah rushes out of the room crying.
158 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM (ANIMATED)
Merv and Shirley are getting busy when Leah rushes in and
hops in bed between them.
YOUNG LEAH
Mommy! Daddy! Santa forgot us!
MERV
For the love of Pete!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
79.
SHIRLEY
What happened?
Hunter and Shane enter.
YOUNG SHANE
We've been robbed!
YOUNG HUNTER
Leah thinks Santa forgot us because
there's no presents under the
tree.
SHIRLEY
I'm sure Santa didn't forget.
Merv! Go find their presents.
Merv grumpily gets out of bed.
MERV
Lousy... rotten... miserable
holidays.
159 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER (ANIMATED)
Merv looks around. The kids look on in eager anticipation.
The plate of cookies... the untouched curdled milk.
MERV
What can I say? Maybe you were
all bad this year.
Leah starts to cry again. Merv looks at the fireplace.
MERV (CONT'D)
Wait a minute!
He goes over to the fireplace. A somewhat charred red Santa
suit lays amongst a bunch of ashes.
MERV (CONT'D)
Oh crap! I forgot to put the
fire out last night before I went
to bed.
YOUNG LEAH
You killed Santa Claus?
SFX: A series of thuds from the roof.
MERV
What the hell was that? Hunter
take the rifle. It may be a
burglar.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
80.
Young Hunter's eyes water as he begins to cry.
MERV (CONT'D)
Fine ya big baby! Shane take the
rifle from your brother and follow
me.
160 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - FRONT YARD -- MOMENTS LATER (ANIMATED)
Merv and the kids come out to investigate. Gifts litter the
yard. The Kids CHEER as they attack the presents with wild
abandon. When Leah looks up and is horrified. Apparently,
Hunter and Shane see it simultaneously because it gets really
quiet.
Stuck in the ground, antlers first, is what appears to be
the head of RUDOLPH (red nose and all). The Kids let lose a
SCREAM that can be heard for miles. Shirley rushes out.
SHIRLEY
What's all the screaming about?
She sees the deer head (Buck's) and hears Merv laughing
uncontrollably. She slaps him across the shoulder.
SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
Honestly, Merv. If you scare
them too much we'll never get
them out of the house when they
get older.
ENDING CREDITS FLY UP TO ANOTHER RENDITION OF "THE HONKEES"
THEME SONG.
161 INT. THURSTIES -- CONTINUOUS
The lights turn on as the crowd chants "Speech, Speech".
Merv stands up and quiets them.
MERV
Thanks for coming. I'm not one
for long speeches, or any speeches
for that matter. So stop waiting
for one and enjoy the party.
Shane and the guys jam. Some people dance, others just
mingle. Merv walks through the crowd of WELL-WISHERS who
pat him on the back.
Hunter gives a thumbs up to Shane, who returns it, as he and
Charlotte dance up to Leah and Ahmad.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
81.
HUNTER
Hey sis. I've gotta tell ya...
the pregnancy and marriage thing
was a little over the top but it
worked great! Dad fell for it
hook, line, and sinker.
LEAH
What prank?
AHMAD
What is hook, line, and stinker?
Merv wades through the WELL-WISHERS and by the bar where Joe
serves drinks.
JOE THE BARTENDER
Hey, Merv. Your kid's pretty
good. I've been wanting to attract
a younger crowd. Think they'd be
interested in playing here more
often?
MERV
You mean a job?
JOE THE BARTENDER
Yeh. You could say that.
He spots Shirley unwrapping some of the goodies with Dorothy
at a table. The urn sits on the table as well.
MERV
I'll discuss this with you later.
He goes up to Shirley...
MERV (CONT'D)
How could you invite that beady-
eyed Jap?
SHIRLEY
He's your boss. I thought you'd
want him to be here.
MERV
Do me a favor and don't think.
Your brain just cost me my
retirement.
Shirley doesn't know what to say. Her eyes well up with
tears. She hands Dorothy the spoon for the goodies she was
unwrapping and rushes out.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
82.
DOROTHY
You always know just what to say,
don't you?
(to the urn)
John Jacob, you should have knocked
more sense into your son. You
always let him be so lippy.
Thought it was so damn funny. A
regular Jerry Lewis. You've
created a monster!
Lester chases Mina, who drives away from him on her Rascal
Cart.
LESTER
I'll let you pet my Yoda.
DOROTHY
Shirley and the kids worked hard
to make this day special for you.
If I were you... No! As your
mother I demand you take your
ungrateful behind out there and
apologize. Now git!
Dorothy takes the spoon from Merv and spanks him on the butt,
goody droppings and all. Merv heads for the door.
MERV
Shirley! Wait! Let's talk!
162 EXT. THURSTIES/INT. SHIRLEY'S STATION WAGON -- MOMENTS LATER
(ANIMATED)
Merv bounces up and down on the hood of Shirley's station
wagon. Shirley is behind the wheel driving crazily in the
parking lot.
SHIRLEY
Oh now you want to talk. Always
when it's convenient for you.
Well it's too late, mister.
MERV
I'm sorry! I should have told
you that squint-eyed devil lets
people go right before they retire.
What do you think happened to
Ralph?
SHIRLEY
Likely excuse. Oh lookie there.
A dead bug. Better clean it off.
She squirts water on the windshield drenching Merv.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
83.
MERV
For the Love of Pete! Thanks for
the bath, Shirl.
The wipers come to life as they slash back and forth. Merv
looses his grip and slips further down the hood before resting
uncomfortably on the hood ornament.
MERV (CONT'D)
This retirement thing's been a
complete nightmare. I just didn't
want to blow our future.
SHIRLEY
What future? You'll probably be
here pouring most of your
retirement money down that ever
expanding belly of yours. In
fact... I don't think I'm in your
retirement plans at all!
MERV
Are you kidding? My retirement
plans revolve around you. I've
been dreaming about you in that
sexy lingerie. You know. The
one you wore on our honeymoon.
SHIRLEY
So that's what all that squirming
and screaming was about.
MERV
The squirming... yes. Now stop
the damn car before you kill me!
Shirley slams on the brakes. He flies through the air and
lands on the ground.
163 EXT. THURSTIES -- CONTINUOUS
Shirley rushes to Merv's aide.
SHIRLEY
I'm so sorry. Oh, you're bleeding!
She takes off an article of clothing, spits on his head, and
holds the cloth there.
164 INT. THURSTIES -- MOMENTS LATER
Merv walks in with Shirley. Blitz and Trigg pull him away.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
84.
BLITZ
Looks like your goose is cooked.
How'd he find out?
MERV
A little birdie named, Shirl.
TRIGG
Hey! What a coincidence. Your
wife's named Shirl.
MERV
Imagine that.
He looks at Hasakami who sits at the bar.
MERV (CONT'D)
Hey, do me a favor.
BLITZ
Sure thing, pal.
MERV
Make sure my boss has had plenty
to drink. I'm buying.
BLITZ
You're buying? Oh, Merv I like
how you think. Get him so drunk
he can't come in tomorrow. Sly.
Really sly. But I betchya old
Squinty still remembers to can
your ass.
TRIGG
I remember reading somewhere that
Japanese men can drink a lot and
it doesn't affect them much.
BLITZ
Woman's Digest?
TRIGG
Possibly.
MERV
You guys wouldn't feel guilty
about sucking the money out of
retired guy's account?
TRIGG
Not me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
85.
BLITZ
Hey! All's fair in love and money.
And I love money.
MERV
Then why don't we make it
interesting? Double my IOU?
BLITZ
Double? Buddy... You're on!
TRIGG
Count me in.
Merv exits as Trigg and Blitz go up to Hasakami at the bar.
They put their arms around him like they've been pals forever.
TRIGG (CONT'D)
Hey there Hasi baby. Let's
celebrate!
HASAKAMI
Pew-ee! You two reek like bats
in hell.
BLITZ
Three please Joe, and keep 'em
comin'! Merv's payin'!
They hold up their beers.
TRIGG
To Merv!
BLITZ, TRIGG & HASAKAMI
Merv!
165 EXT. STREET -- LATE AFTERNOON (PRESENT)
BLITZ
Looks like Woman's Digest's right
again! 'Cause he's still there
with Trigg as I speak...
Merv realizes...
166 INSERT (ANIMATED)
Merv shoots out of a canon through a glass window that
SHATTERS and into a cast iron fan that SPLATS him out like
SHIT on the wall behind.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
86.
167 EXT. STREET -- CONTINUOUS
MERV
Are you crazy? Leaving Trigg
alone... With Hasakami? Get in
the truck. I'm driving!
Everybody piles into the tow truck, including Ralph.
168 INT. THURSTIES
Trigg and Hasakami sit at the bar, stoned drunk. Joe the
Bartender fixes drinks for other Bar Patrons.
TRIGG
Another round, Joe.
JOE THE BARTENDER
No way, Trigg! It's coffee time
for you two.
TRIGG
We can't drink coffee now! I've
gotta keep this guy drunk so he
forgets about Merv's retirement.
HASAKAMI
Shit! Schidt? That stupid
Hillbilly put you up to this?
TRIGG
Yep. We even have a wager on it.
If we don't stop him from being
canned by that Kamikaze Jap we
get double his IOU.
HASAKAMI
Stupid hick. He trick you too!
169 EXT. THURSTIES -- MOMENTS LATER
Hasakami and Trigg rush to Hasakami's car, get in, and
drunkenly drive away.
170 INT. BLITZ'S TOW TRUCK (LIVE-ACTION)/INT. HASAKAMI'S CAR
(LIVE-ACTION)/EXT. STREETS (ANIMATED)
It's a race! Merv drives Blitz's tow truck wildly through
traffic to get to Pay Up Collections first. Jonas' car
fishtailing behind them.
Hasakami drives his car furiously through the town as well.
Trigg holds on for dear life trying not to puke.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
87.
171 EXT. AIRPORT
Hunter and Charlotte's plane touches down.
172 INT. AIRPLANE -- MOMENTS LATER
Hunter is strapped in his seat. Charlotte sits next to him
as Passengers depart.
CHARLOTTE
So? You ready to behave?
HUNTER
Do I have a choice?
Charlotte plants a huge kiss on his lips.
The Pompous Ass exits the bathroom. A huge mess due to his
adventure during the landing. He feels a RUMBLE and rushes
back towards the bathroom, but somebody beats him to it
shutting the door. The Pompous Ass falls to the ground.
173 INT. HOSPITAL - EXAMINING ROOM
Dr. Gondos finishes the tests on Leah.
DR. GONDOS
Alright, Leah. I think we're
done here. You can get dressed.
LEAH
So? How far along am I?
DR. GONDOS
Well... It's like this.
174 INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM
Ahmad paces back and forth, copying the Expectant Fathers.
The door opens. Everybody stops. Leah storms out. When
the Expectant Fathers notice it isn't their doctor, the pacing
resumes.
AHMAD
Leah! How's little Muhammad?
He rubs her stomach. She bursts into tears and rushes out.
AHMAD (CONT'D)
What did I say?
175 EXT. HOSPITAL (ANIMATED)
Leah rushes out of the hospital, gets into the station wagon,
and drives off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
88.
AHMAD
Leah! LEAH WAIT!
He spots a TAXI and runs in front of it. The taxi hits him
as it screeches to a stop. Ahmad ends up on the windshield.
176 INT. TAXI
Ahmad rolls off the windshield and falls to the side. Then
climbs in.
AHMAD
I am thanking you for stopping.
Please... that Station Wagon you
must be following.
The Taxi takes off in pursuit.
177 INT. ANIMAL CONTROL - LOBBY
The ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER leads Yoda out by a leash. Yoda
goes nuts when he sees Lester and vice-versa. He puts a
mangled Hoppy covered with a white wet substance on the
counter. Shirley doesn't know quite how to pick him up.
SHIRLEY
What's with all the slobber?
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER
Oh, that's not slobber. That
little dog's got quite the appetite
for breeding.
178 EXT. STREET (ANIMATED)/INT. TAXI (LIVE-ACTION)/INT. STATION
WAGON (LIVE-ACTION)
Ahmad's taxi follows the Station Wagon through town.
Leah keeps trying to move her veil out of her face to see
where she's going.
Ahmad tries to direct the Taxi Driver who voices his
disapproval of his direction.
179 INT. BLITZ'S TOW TRUCK (LIVE-ACTION)/EXT. STREET (ANIMATED)
Merv drives recklessly down the street. Jonas' car fish-
tails behind them.
JONAS
Slow your cracker ass down! You're
pulling my car!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
89.
RALPH
Yes. Please slow down. I think
I'm gonna be nauseous.
JONAS
You need a serious vacation.
BLITZ
That's for sure.
JONAS
If I was you... I'd ditch that
old piece of scrap metal you got
rotting in your driveway...
MERV
That scrap metal is my only means
of peace and quiet.
BLITZ
Other than Thursties.
JONAS
Hold onto your sheet and follow
me now. Trade that sucker in for
a brand spanking new one. Take
the wife and skip town for awhile.
That's what I'd do.
MERV
Like I'll be able to afford a new
motorhome. Even if I get my
pension!
JONAS
Oh you'll be able to alright!
Jonas stomps on Merv's foot that is on the gas peddle. The
tow truck takes off as Merv YELPS in pain.
180 EXT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS (ANIMATED)
The tow truck speeds into the parking lot and skids to a
halt. Jonas' car falls off the hitch.
181 EXT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS
Merv rushes out of the tow truck and into the building.
JONAS
Hurry Merv, hurry! Get your
porchin' fat ass in there!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
90.
BLITZ
Man, if I had a boss like his and
he tried to pull that lay-off
shit on me. I don't know... I'd
probably shoot him up like Swiss
Cheese, or something.
Which gives Ralph an idea.
182 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - LOBBY
Merv rushes in and is greeted by SAMANTHA the receptionist.
SAMANTHA
It's about time! We were wondering
whether or not you'd show up today.
MERV
Has Hasakami been in yet?
SAMANTHA
Nope. Haven't seen him.
MERV
Great!
He rushes past her and into the
183 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - HALLWAY
Merv is patted on the back as he walks to his desk.
184 INT. WINNIE'S CAR/EXT. JONAS' HOUSE - DRIVEWAY
Winnie drives up with Shirley, Lester, Yoda, and Hoppy in
the car.
WINNIE
Who's that in your yard?
Shirley looks over to her
185 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - FRONT YARD
Where a group of PEOPLE and PHOTOGRAPHERS have gathered.
186 INT. WINNIE'S CAR/EXT. JONAS' HOUSE - DRIVEWAY
SHIRLEY
I hope Shane hasn't done anything!
WINNIE
Make sure you call me with the
details.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
91.
187 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - FRONT YARD
Shirley, holding Hoppy walks up to the front door. Lester
has Yoda on a leash, who barks at them. ED McMAHON, holding
a giant check, comes up to...
ED MCMAHON
Shirley Schmidt?
SHIRLEY
Yes, I'm Shirley. Oh my! Ed!
Yoda attaches himself to Ed's leg and humps away.
ED MCMAHON
Hey-o!
188 EXT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS (ANIMATED)
Hasakami's car pulls up and skids to a drunken stop, hitting
Jonas' car which in turn hits the tow truck.
189 EXT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS
Hasakami gets out cursing in Japanese.
JONAS
Hey! Hey! Hey! Somebody's got
to pay for that!
He inspects the further damage to his car. Trigg rushes up
to Blitz.
TRIGG
Merv tricked us! We're gonna
lose the bet!
BLITZ
That damn old skunk!
They rush drunkenly towards the door.
190 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - MERV'S CUBICLE/HALLWAY
Merv swiftly packs stuff from his desk when...
HASAKAMI
SCHIDT!!!
Merv stops dead in his tracks. Turns around. Hasakami
groggily heads towards him.
Merv looks up at the clock. 5:25PM.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
92.
191 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - LOBBY
Blitz and Trigg rush in and try to get in through the door.
SAMANTHA
Excuse me. Where do you think
you're going?
TRIGG
We've got to get in there to win
our bet!
SAMANTHA
You'll have to go through me first.
BLITZ
Is that so?
He flips on the charm and smiles. Tartared covered teeth
and all. He walks up to Samantha.
192 INT. PAY UP COLLECTIONS - MERV'S CUBICLE/HALLWAY
It's a stand-off. Hasakami makes his way down the hall.
Merv takes a deep breath. Everybody looks on in anticipation.
And just as Hasakami gets to Merv and reaches into his pocket.
Ralph, armed with a small pistol, steps in his path.
RALPH
Mr. Crapasaki. I've got a bone
to pick with you.
Hasakami is taken aback. Ralph, a bit unstable, appears
very determined to take him out.
HASAKAMI
Ralph?
RALPH
I'm surprised you even remembered
my name. After today you'll never
forget it. Well at least until
you die.
HASAKAMI
This not like you. I glad I let
you go. You madman!
RALPH
That's right! I'm completely
insane! Your creation, Dr.
Japenstein.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
93.
MERV
Ralph. This is no time for murder.
Give me the gun.
RALPH
No way! I've got nothing left to
live for. I'm gonna enjoy this.
HASAKAMI
No. Give him gun.
Suddenly the PHONE RINGS startling Ralph. Everyone SCREAMS
and fall to the ground.
MERV
Relax. It's just my phone. Hello.
Pay Up Collections. Merv speaking.
SHIRLEY (O.S.)
Merv. I've got wonderful news.
193 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN (INTERCUT)
MERV
The kids are all gone?
SHIRLEY
No.
MERV
Then can it wait until I get home.
We've sorta got a situation here.
SHIRLEY
You know those sweepstakes you're
always telling me "Shirley why do
you waste your time with that
shit? People like us never win
and..."
MERV
Yes, yes, I know what I say.
SHIRLEY
Well... I won!
MERV
Won? Won what?
SHIRLEY
Ten Million Dollars!
MERV
That's great dear. I've got to
go now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
94.
He hangs up the phone. Then realizes... picks up his stuff
and heads for the door.
MERV (CONT'D)
Go ahead! Shoot him.
HASAKAMI
What you mean shoot him. Where
you think you going, Schidt? We
have situation here.
MERV
It's Schmidt and I don't have a
situation. You have a situation.
I'm rich! And you Mr. Hasakami...
Can shove my pension up your tight-
wad, conniving little yellow
bunghole.
Blitz, his hair messed up and covered with make-up, and Trigg
finally get through the door as Merv is on his way out.
BLITZ
We're on to you pal.
TRIGG
Trying to trick us into helping
you win the bet. But he still
got you.
BLITZ
Yeeeh Haw! It's pay up time!
MERV
He didn't get me.
TRIGG
Oh man. It's past five-thirty.
He already made it.
MERV
I made it?
Merv looks up at the clock. 5:32pm.
MERV (CONT'D)
I made it! I made it!
Everybody except Blitz and Trigg cheer! Ralph pulls the
trigger. Hasakami SCREAMS as water squirts him in the face.
HASAKAMI
No fair. This was trick.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
95.
MERV
It's pay up time guys!
BLITZ
This is Bullshit, man! We were
duped!
TRIGG
Man, Dorleen's gonna kill me!
BLITZ
Or make you get a real job.
MERV
Hey, all's fair in love and money.
And I love money.
Trigg whimpers as he hands Merv the black book. Merv hands
it to Ralph.
MERV (CONT'D)
Here ya go buddy. Just double
the amount in this book. That's
what these two owe you.
Merv heads towards the door as Ralph thumbs through the book
to the end. He looks at the amount and faints.
TRIGG
I could use a beer.
BLITZ
Hey, Merv! We're going back to
Thursties. You comin'?
MERV
Nope. I've got other plans.
194 EXT. PARK - PARKING LOT (ANIMATED)
Leah drives the Station Wagon recklessly through the parking
lot and onto the...
195 EXT. PARK - PLAYGROUND
Crying, Leah rushes out of the Station Wagon and sits down
on a swing.
196 EXT. PARK - PARKING LOT
The Taxi stops. Ahmad gets out and walks away.
TAXI DRIVER
Hey! What about my money? Damn
foreigners!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
96.
197 EXT. PARK - PLAYGROUND
Ahmad walks towards Leah, who cries as she swings. He comes
up behind her.
AHMAD
Why did you not stop for me?
LEAH
My dad always took me to this
park. He used to swing me in
this same swing. I dreamed of
the day I could do the same for
my kid.
AHMAD
And you will.
LEAH
The doctor told me I'm not
pregnant.
AHMAD
Not pregnant!? What are you
meaning?
LEAH
I'm not pregnant. Something about
fluoride and...
198 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - BATHROOM -- EVENING (ANIMATED)
Yoda swims around in the toilet as Lester picks up a pregnancy
test from the sink, puts toothpaste on it, and proceeds to
brush his gums with it.
199 EXT. PARK - PLAYGROUND -- LATE AFTERNOON
Leah takes off the veil and gives it to Ahmad.
LEAH
I'm sorry Ahmad. Here's your
veil.
AHMAD
You are not wanting to marry me
any more?
LEAH
Of course I still want to marry
you. It's just that... I just
can't stand this veil. It gets
in my way. I can't eat, I can't
see. I don't know where to put
it when I go to the restroom.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
97.
AHMAD
I did not ask you to be my partner
in life because of the former
Muhammad or the veil. I am loving
you with all my heart. I want
you to be happy. In fact... I am
believing we should settle down
in this fabulous town and start a
most wonderful family.
LEAH
You mean it?
AHMAD
I would not let the words come
forth out of my mouth if I did
not mean them. Besides, I would
like very much to see another
hockey game. The violence is
like nothing I have ever witnessed.
And who knows I could be opening
mosque right here in town.
200 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - KITCHEN -- EARLY EVENING
Shirley talks to Winnie on the phone.
SHIRLEY
You should've seen it. I was so
shocked.
Yoda goes into the bathroom with Lester. A HUGE HORN BLASTS!
SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
Good Lord!
WINNIE (V.O.)
It's Arch Angel Gabriel's trumpet!
The HORN KEEPS HONKING. Shirley peeks out the front window.
SHIRLEY
And he's blowing it in my driveway.
201 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - FRONT YARD/DRIVEWAY
Shirley comes out. Merv waves out the window of a huge,
brand spanking new motorhome.
SHIRLEY
Are you crazy?
MERV
Crazy for you, baby.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
98.
Shirley walks up to the motorhome. Merv jumps out. Grabs
her and plants a juicy wet kiss on her lips. She struggles
for air.
SHIRLEY
Good grief! At least let me come
up for air!
She playfully slaps him across the shoulder. Jonas and Winnie
come out of their house.
WINNIE
I don't believe it!
JONAS
Looks like somebody took a fuzzy's
advice.
MERV
And why not? It's the best advice
I've ever gotten. Here's some
money to fix your car.
He hands Jonas an envelope.
WINNIE
Merv, you didn't have to do that.
JONAS
Yes he did, Winnie.
He goes through the bills.
JONAS (CONT'D)
There's like thirty grand in here!
MERV
The rest is for the roof.
JONAS
I could use a new power sander.
You wanna come over and bust it?
Merv, Shirley, and Winnie laugh.
JONAS (CONT'D)
I'm serious. I can go get it.
MERV
Winnie, do me a favor and give
this envelope to Leah, but not
Shane. I repeat, not Shane.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
99.
202 INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - SHANE'S GARAGE ROOM
Shane and the guys, feathers in their hair, and messed up
from their confrontation with J.T. watch an old television
show. Dylan touches his tongue on a battery and gets a little
shock.
DYLAN
You sure these things aren't gonna
decrease my sperm count?
LANCE
Don't be a dumbass! You're not
testing them with your penis.
The PHONE RINGS. Shane answers it.
SHANE
Yeh. Yeh that was us. Every
Friday Night? You're not jerkin'
my Oscar are you?
DYLAN
I'm gettin' nothin' off this stuff!
I have the need for weed. It's
calling me. Dylan... Dylan...
Smoke me...
203 INSERT (ANIMATED)
JOINT
Smoke me, man.
204 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DRIVEWAY/NEW MOTORHOME -- MOMENTS LATER
WINNIE
Sure thing.
MERV
Whelp... See ya around! We're
gonna be gone for awhile.
JONAS
My day's lookin' brighter every
minute.
MERV
They're picking up the old
motorhome later today.
JONAS
Correction. I'm gonna need a
pair of them heavy duty shades!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
100.
205 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DRIVEWAY/NEW MOTORHOME (ANIMATED)
MERV
Let's get goin' babe!
He sweeps Shirley off her feet.
SHIRLEY
Merv. Put me down. What did the
doctor say about lifting heavy
objects?
MERV
I'm trying to be romantic here.
He struggles to carry her through the threshold.
SHIRLEY
I'll call you Winnie!
WINNIE
You better.
Jonas and Winnie wave to Merv and Shirley as they back out
of the driveway, hitting only a few parked cars, and make
their way down the street.
206 INT. NEW MOTORHOME -- MOMENTS LATER
Merv drives with Shirley on his lap.
SHIRLEY
Where are we going?
MERV
Well... with your winnings and my
pension...
SHIRLEY
You made it? Oh, what a relief.
MERV
It's not where are we going...
it's where aren't we going? First
stop. The sunny beaches of
Florida.
SHIRLEY
Florida?! But what about the
house? What about the kids?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
101.
MERV
It's about time they took some
responsibility and looked after
the house for awhile. That
envelope I gave Winnie explains
it all, and it has enough money
to last them awhile. I even got
Shane a job.
SHIRLEY
What about Hunter?
MERV
I have a feeling he and his doodles
will be just fine. Which brings
me to your next surprise.
SHIRLEY
Aren't we full of surprises today!
MERV
It's in my shirt pocket. Go on.
Check it.
Shirley puts her hand in his pocket and takes out...
SHIRLEY
A cell phone?!
MERV
You can call the kids any time
you want. All I ask for is a
week before you use it.
SHIRLEY
Alright, who's taken over my Merv?
MERV
No one, Shirl. It's me. Ask me
why some guy wanted to be buried
at WalMart when he died.
SHIRLEY
Why?
MERV
Because it would be the only way
his wife woule ever visit him.
SHIRLEY
My Merv's back! What took you so
long?
MERV
We had kids.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
102.
207 EXT. ROAD -- SUNSET
The New Motorhome cruises south. On the back a sign reads:
"IF THIS RV'S ROCKIN', DON'T COME A KNOCKIN'."
SHIRLEY (V.O.)
I have the funniest feeling.
Like I forgot something.
208 EXT. SCHMIDT HOUSE - DRIVEWAY -- CONTINUOUS
Blitz's tow truck backs up to the Old Motorhome. Shane's
band practices. And Lester, he's on the toilet calling...
LESTER (V.O.)
Shirley! Come Wipe My Ass!
FADE OUT:
ROLL CREDITS - CREDITS END
209 INT. OLD MOTORHOME -- MOMENTS LATER (ANIMATED)
Buck, Skitso, and a messed up Hoppy are in their usual spots.
The motorhome shakes.
HOPPY
What the hell was that?
SKITSO
It's a tow truck and it's taking
us away!
BUCK
It is?
HOPPY
Get real. We're Merv's treasures.
SKITSO
Yeh. Yeh! Mervie would never
get rid of us!
BUCK
So, Hoppy? Does your date with
Yoda count as tail?
HOPPY
Shut up.
Buck and Skitso laugh as Hoppy yells "Shut up!"
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END